I'll twine with my mingles and waving black hair
With the roses so red and the lilies so fair
And the myrtles so bright with emerald dew
The pale and the leader and eyes look like blue

He told me he loved me and called me his flower
That blossomed for him all the brighter each hour
Though my heart is now breaking, he never shall know
That his name makes me tremble, my pale cheeks to
glow - June Carter Cash


Howdy y'all! Just kidding, a little Paula Deen humor! So i'm gonna use this blog as a vessel again to vent out some frustrations. This will be like a diary entry like i use to do on this blog.
I survived one of the hardest weeks emotionally that i've had in years. The only thing i think i can compair it to is when my brother and my dad were both in the hospital. But i dunno if i've mentioned it on here, but i recently joined facebook. It's been pretty ok so far, i've gotten in touch with family members who i haven't talked to in years. But on the dark side, i discovered this week my boyfriend had been flirting with one of his female "friends" on Facebook. I was checking out one of his friends who posts on his wall all the time and comments on his posts a lot, and i didn't know who she is, so i went to her page to check her out. The only thing i could check out was her photos and BAM!!! It was a sexually inappropriate comment he made on one of her photos. This was totally like one of these chicks who is all into herself and posts a shit load of pictures of herself and men go on there and comment about how great she looks, i mean the chick was eating it up.

I tell ya, when i read what he wrote my heart sank, i immediately was angry and sent him a text message right away. then i ran to the bathroom and stayed in there crying till i had to go to work. I don't know what else they had said to each other that i didn't read, when he tried to explain through an email he told me when i said i'd never join Facebook, he took that as a green light to "free himself". What that meant, i don't know exactly but it made things worse after he sent that email. Before i was pissed off but when he said that it reached a whole new level.

Feelings of betrayal surfaced, feelings of my pride being ripped apart ran through me. I really felt like he didn't appreciate me at all, that he thought so little of me and our relationship that he'd go online and flirt with women, thinking i'd never find out about it. I felt stupid cuz i have bought two Men are From Mars Women are from Venus books, trying to read up on relationships between men and women, trying to better myself in ways he wants me to. Putting all this time and energy into trying to better our relationship, mean while he's just on line flirting with women! I felt stupid, like the biggest dumbass cuz i was doing all this shit for nothing!
I mean i haven't had that many emotions run through me all at once since the last time a boyfriend cheated on me happened. That's how much it affected me. For the first time in our relationship i told him i didn't want to see him. Usually we try to always work things out, this time i did not want to see him what so ever. As far as i was concerned once the weekend came, i was gonna go stay in a motel cuz i was pissed at him. I was so beside myself and didn't know what to do, my boss is on vacation and i had all that shit at work to deal with, but my mind was just sending me a million messages, it sucked.
I asked one of my friends at work about what she would do, i posted a private message on Facebook to about 6 of my friends and family what they would do. About half of them said they would break up with him!! Everyone was in consensus on as the WHY he decided it was ok to say something like he did to a woman who is not his girlfriend, especially on Facebook where i could read it.
The first night was really hard on me cuz he left me in the dark as to his reasoning and rationalization of it. But once he tried to explain it, like i said before he said he was "freeing himself" which dug himself into a hole even further. I think he knew he made a stupid mistake by saying that and from then on through our emails he didn't try to explain away, and finally he said he couldn't justify what he did. He went and deleted the comment, which i thought was kinda dumb at first cuz the damage was done i had already seen it, but he made the point he shouldn't of done it in the first place so that's why he deleted it. He removed the girl from his list of friends, i didn't ask him to, but to be completely honest i am glad he did, it just would of been too weird especially cuz she posted all the time on his Facebook page. He did apologize the first night and when i slept on the couch he was seemed kind of shocked and that's when he sent the email explaining he was "freeing himself" and asked what more he could do. And that's really when i let him have a piece of my mind (me getting more pissed with the "freeing himself" explanation) and let him know this isn't something i was gonna get over by some apology over a text message, and that's when i let him know i didn't want to see him. It hurt like hell telling him that, but i just couldn't see him.

I'm just shocked at how i felt my pride being tattered by this whole thing. Even when i've been cheated on before, i never felt like my pride was hurt. Yeah i felt like my heart got stabbed and run over, but never my pride. I guess when you've been in a relationship as long as my boyfriend and I have, you identify yourself with your spouse. This year it'll be 8 fucking years we've been together!! 8 years!!
Me and this girl at work were talking about it, she's been married about as long as me and my boyfriend have been together and she really sympathised with me and felt sorry for me, and kept asking about how everything was going all week. Which normally i would of found annoying, but this time i didn't mind so much because i've never experienced anything like this before, it was good to get it out to a fellow female. I did appreciate all my female companionship on FB cuz they were all pretty shocked by it and felt sorry for me. I tell ya if it wasn't for them, i probably would of went crazy. My cousin gave me shit that i didn't go to school on Tuesday cause i was so upset, and i was letting the whole situation affect my schooling. I was disappointed in myself too for skipping another day of school, but i had a major headache over the whole thing and i had been drinking whiskey to try and calm down.
Everything is fine now, he did apologize and i do really think he feels like shit about it. I have never talked to another guy in the whole 8 years we've been together the way he talked to that girl, never even thought of talking to another guy in that way, and if i would of got caught on Facebook telling some guy the shit he told that girl, i would of gotten in a shit load of trouble. The girls at work helped me to calm down a lot by joking with me and trying to get my mind off of it.

So i'm bored. My boyfriend just left with my brother on a Vegas vacation, and i'm already bored without him around! :( Oh well, i can immerse myself in the wonderful world of classic French cooking. School is going awesome, i am absolutely loving it! I had a really good day last week when Chef had us do basic culinary skills. We had to boil an egg, (yes the exact thing i compared making mashed potatoes to.) bake a potato, boil a potato, dice a potato in medium, small and large dices, dice a onion, make a rice pilaf (again, Chef already had me make it once before) and finally boil pasta. And an option he gave us, but we didn't have to but me and this other girl decided to do it, was make a risotto. I totally fucking rocked on the risotto!! Second time ever making risotto too. The only thing i messed up on was dicing the potato. I told Chef i didn't know how to do it, and he showed me how, and after he showed me how, i rocked that out too and totally aced that shit as well :)
Tuesday and tomorrow we're doing the classic 5 mother sauces. I did the brown sauce, which again Chef said i did a really good job, he liked my brown roux, and then i also did a classic French tomato sauce. Which i didn't really enjoy making all that much, i've made Italian tomato sauces a million times but making the French didn't excite me as much as the Italian version does. I kind of fucked it up, but Chef still passed me, i let the sauce simmer too long and it was too thick in the end and not very saucy.
What is starting to annoy me, which i rather enjoyed at first now it's just getting annoying, is the lack of knowledge from the other students. They don't know a fucking thing and it blows my mind!! This other girl Shawna seems to know some, she definitely knows about as much as I do. A lot of them come to either Shawna, me or Chef for questions, it's crazy for me cuz I'm the fucking newbie!
But the rest of em couldn't cook themselves out of a fucking hole in the ground! I was paired up with this one dude Stephen, and he doesn't know shit! The whole time we were making our sauces i basically did all the cooking and i had him do all the prep work, but even with the prep he needed my help! Like he didn't know how to dice up the mirepoix, i had to show him. The dicing of the onion was painful to watch because you could tell he had never done it before. He was like, "where did you learn this stuff?" and when i said Food Network, he acted all surprised. I am fucking self taught and i'm basically teaching other people how to do basic shit they should already know.
I really don't think Stephen has done much cooking before he arrived at school.
He has been in school a week longer than i have, he seems to have gone into culinary arts because he doesn't know what else to do with his life career wise, and he says he wants to "develop" a passion for cooking.
Then there's this old man Edgar, who thinks he knows his shit but he doesn't know nothing. I got in an argument with him about how to make mashed potatoes, he was trying to tell me that i had to put in the potatoes when the water already came to a boil, and i was trying to tell him if you do that your potatoes will cook unevenly. Finally Chef came around and told him I was right. Then when i was making my risotto, he tried to tell me that you need to cook it in the fucking oven!! That's like completely ass backwards on how you make risotto! It's crazy!
Then there's this other kid, I forgot his name, I get along with him the best, he's really nice, and he always compliments my food and says,"i want to eat Cristal's food". he seems to have a passion for cooking, but yet again he's been in school since August and he doesn't even have basic knife skills at all. Last week i was watching him try to dice up a mirepoix, and he was holding the knife completely wrong, and he was shaking like a jack rabbit! He means well, and he really does enjoy cooking.
Then there's the girls in the bakery who i haven't worked with yet, but they're always speaking Spanish every time i go in the bakery for a bowl or something.

About a month into this now, i still have to pinch myself that i'm really doing this! I mean it wasn't that long ago that i was just experimenting in our little kitchen in our old town home after watching a Rachael Ray episode where she made pizza.
I remember i use to HATE cooking!! Well, my idea of cooking was making Hamburger Helper and SpaghettiO's. I remember once when we lived in our first apartment i did make a pork roast. Once and only once until we moved into the town home and i really got into cooking. I just really can't wrap my mind around the fact that i'm going to culinary school, and i'm actually pretty good at it! My family in New Jersey, basically the kids of my uncle who is a Chef, are all excited for me and my family is trying to compair me to my uncle now. That's a little unfair though, he's been in the industry for years, and i'm barely getting my feet wet. He even was a Chef in the Army. I do have all kinds of support behind me on this huge decision i've made for my life, and that makes me feel good as well that i'm heading down the right road.