"Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothin' at all
I can give away everything I possess
But am without love then I have no happiness
I know I'm imperfect
& not without sin
But now that I'm older all childish things end"

So the girls and the boyfriend were all gone yesterday. I had the house to myself, time to totally indulge in "me time". In Men are From Mars Women are from Venus, Dr. John Gray recommends over and over that men indulge in testosterone inducing activities, and women indulge in estrogen inducing activities. Testosterone lowers men's stress levels, and estrogen lowers women's stress levels, and lower stress levels means happier couples.

So i totally indulged in estrogen inducing activities. I baked, i went shopping and i highlighted my hair and played with new make up i bought.

Today is the Natalie Merchant concert and it's at an opera house, so i'm using the concert as an excuse to doll myself up i guess.

Actually recent events have made me realize i've been totally neglecting my outer appearance while my inner one was blossoming. Catching my boyfriend flirting with another woman on the Internet really mentally scared me and made my conscience say "Wake the fuck up bitch!! Your man is flirting with other women!!" Paying attention to my physical appearance is a double edge sword for me. I went through a bad bit of depression over my physical appearance, and starting to pay attention to it again is something i've been avoiding for years now. I got into a huge depression because i realized i was masking my identity with my physical appearance, when in reality i really had no identity and it fucked with me so much. That was the darkest period of my life, and i've managed to pull myself out of it without pharmaceuticals, all through just mental anguish and realization of what was going on inside me.

The last three or four years i've neglected my outer self while my inner self was blossoming into something beautiful.

Anyway, it's hard, i'm not going to lie, i hate looking at myself cuz i just want to throw my hands in the air and say i dunno what to do! I've dyed my hair so many different colors, i hate make up, i don't know the first fucking thing about fashion and i hate shopping for clothes. I hate going to beauty salons cuz i don't like being around women so much, they really irritate me after a while, that and i really don't like strangers touching me, especially my hair.

So i started watching YouTube videos on how to do eyeshadow, so i started playing with that with a purple shade. It was fun seeing my eyes all smokey. I highlighted my hair, i did a good job if i do say so myself, i like it. I haven't had my hair blond in a long, long time.

It's difficult to look at myself and decide what i should change, and what would look good. I use to have an almost exotic look, but that's gone now. I have mom arms and a football shaped head.... oh stop it, focus on the positive. Geez, it is just hard to get in the mind frame again of "what can i do to make myself look pretty?" I haven't thought like that in years!! A few days ago i bought nail polish for the first time in like eight or nine years and i had the girls paint my nails. It felt so fucking weird having that shit on my nails!! And cooking with that shit on was bizarre too.

Most Chefs are really discouraged to wear make up or have nail polish cuz it gets into the food. Chefs need to be clean like surgeons.

Anyway, i'm working on it. Another problem is I'm not a size 5 anymore, i have grown into the body of a Chef :-D So i'm looking at other "full figured" women and getting some ideas off of them. Chef Anne Burrell being one. The outfits she picks out i think is more my style, most of what she wears i like and it's clothes i would buy, i even have a tank top that looks like one of her tops i've seen her wear. I'm friends with her on Facebook and in her photo albums men always comment about how gorgeous they think she is. Gotta work with what i got right?