I had what i like to call a "trigger moment" tonight.  We unpacked the Wii stuff to hook up to the t.v. and my youngest daughter was going through it, having good memories of playing the Wii with her dad, and they started playing and there was his avatar.  Of coarse my oldest daughter had a problem seeing it, and deleted it.  When she was going to delete it, my youngest one came up to me in kind of a panic saying her sister was deleting her dad.  I had to remind her that he's not gonna be around to play it with her and there was no reason to have him on the Wii anymore.  She settled down right away and went right back to having fun playing with her sister.  But for me it killed me to see her kind of panic seeing her dad disappear again.  Fuck, i'm so pissed at him!  Two children i have with no fathers.  anyway, so as soon as they went to bed i fucking lost it and cried my eyes out.  I've been doing really good lately with my emotions.  I only have my "trigger moments" when i get down.  Parts of the day that remind me of him or if someone brings it up.   I don't remember if i wrote about this before but i was suppose to go testify on the 28th for his preliminary hearing, but the detective couldn't make it so they rescheduled it for Sept. 9th now.  I'm REALLY not looking forward to it.
Since i last wrote in here though, i hooked back up with a good good friend of mine from high school.  I of coarse told her about what happened with Justin, and she knows Justin, so it was shocking for her.  She's been really sweet and very supportive.  The day i was suppose to go to court she sent me a text telling me she was thinking of me, but i had to tell her it had been cancelled. 
My brother and me went to A Perfect Circle the other day, that was really fun.  It rained again, second concert we've been to where it was outside and raining.  it actually wasn't too bad this time.  When we saw System Of A Down a couple months ago, it rained HARD the entire show.  That and i kept thinking of Justin cuz i was suppose to go to that concert with him, it really kind of ruined the entire show for me. 
I recently found out that two of Justin's cousins are saying their really pissed at him and don't want to have much to do with him, and that to his family he's not really denying any of what's come out.  Makes me wonder if he'll plead guilty at the court hearing.  Well, guess i'll find out in a month. 
Well, i'm tired, i'm gonna try to get some sleep.  Once i started crying like crazy i knew it was time to write in here again.  See ya later...

So when I first found out about Justin molesting my daughter, I immediately searched on line for message boards of women who have children who have been molested. I found a wonderful site right away and have been visiting it ever since. A few days ago I finally got up the courage to post my own story. I got some responses and am even "pen paling" a woman who's story is very similar to mine. She was married, had two girls, one from a previous relationship (the one who was molested) and a child she had w/ her husband. She said my story made her cry because our daughters who were not molested are the same age. Only this happened to her four years ago and her husband is in prison with a term of 130 years or some shit like that! So when her daughters father left out of her life she was only four years old. My daughters eight and her dad all of a sudden just disappeared. She says she hasn't told her daughter anything about why her dad isn't around, unlike me I have told my daughter a little why he's not around. It's so nice to finally be able to talk to another person this has happened to. Posting my story was the best thing yet. This woman and her kids live in Pennsylvania, she said her ex husband had molested his ex wife's daughter too, and she was called to testify during the trial. She said her daughter was on the witness stand for an hour and a half!! She said the whole thing was a nightmare cuz he denied all of it, and still does.
Anyway, I just wanted to post my good news about my new found friend who's gone through this nightmare too. I have to get ready for work. See ya...

So today i bought a desk for my desk top finally.   Before when i'd get on i had my keyboard & my monitor on top of my box of storable food.  It was kinda cheap, got it at Bed Bath and Beyond, but hey, it's SO much better than having to sit on the floor!  I feel like my life is slowly but surely starting to come together w/out Justin in my life.  I'm still very sad and heart broken over all of this, but i gotta keep my sanity together for my kids, they're looking to me for strength to get through this and i got to show that everything is gonna be ok.  I'm slowly working my way up till i can get my own place, i can't wait for the day when that happens.  Work is going good, still getting to get to know everyone. There's a lot of new people coming on, so i don't feel so alone.  There's about four new people who started in the last two weeks. I'm really bad with names.  There's this one girl who talks to me a lot, and i still don't know her name, but she is really sweet and super nice. She came in to where i was working and gave me a sample of macadamia nut gelato. She said she's gonna take me for a "gelato break" one of these days coming.  She's already asking when i work next, it's actually really nice making friends again, it's taking my mind off of the fucked up things Justin was doing to my daughter.
There's this one guy i work with who i get along with pretty well, we're about the same age and listen to the same music pretty much.  He had his ipod on and Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson came on, and i got so happy!  Then i had my ipod on one day and he's was all impressed.
The girl i talk to a lot and him apparently like each other and arranged to go on a date, but the guy never followed through with it, so the other day she was all asking me advice on what she should do.  It was funny, apparently she's only 19, which makes perfect sense to me now that i've gotten to know her, she really is kinda immature.  It's cute though, a little "office romance" i got the scoop on! :)
Anyhow, just wanted to post about my new computer desk, i'm real happy about it. My dad helped me and my daughters put it together.  I probably could of put it together myself, but he wanted to help, it was nice doing stuff with my dad and the girls.  
I'm slowly starting to get together everything i need for when i finally move out.  Some of the major stuff i think i've gotten out of the way, like the t.v., the couch.  I still need a table, some chairs.  It'll all come together, i'll really worry about that stuff later, right now i only have so much space to put stuff.  It's weird, i literally am rebuilding my whole life with 2 kids now, all by myself.  It sucks i'm not gonna lie!  Well, don't dwell on the negative, with every dark night there is a bright day right?  Well it's almost 2 in the morning and i should go to bed.  Gotta work the next 3 days, then i got the next 3 days off.  They had me working full time, then cut my hours this week.  Oh well, what are you gonna do?  See ya....

Hey. So Father's day and my daughter's birthday have come and gone. Now today is the 4th of July.  Father's day was bizarre, i had a friend text me a Happy Father's day message, of coarse he knows all i've been through the last four months.  My daughter's birthday was very difficult emotionally for me.  I thought my heart would explode, but it turned out fine. She was happy, didn't ask about her dad (which i was glad) but she was happy.  I took her and her sister out to a trampoline place and they bounced their little hearts out, then later i took them out to eat at Chili's. 
So i have to go to Justin's court date on the 28th and testify.  I'm fucking pissed and nervous as fuck about going.  The DA's victim advocate told me they only need me for a short while.  I hope so, cuz this shit fucking sucks!  The DA i guess wants to talk to me too to see what i would like to see come of this case.
 As time goes by and i think about what justin did more and more, the more pissed i get at him.  There towards the end of our conversations through text and e-mail w/ each other he kept trying to tell me to think of all the good he did and what a good person he really is.  Guilt i guess on his part, part of his therapy to not dwell on the crime he committed and to help get out of his depression by looking at the good he has done in his life. 
i dunno, i'm still shocked.   He went to his first court appearance on the 24th, the day after our daughter's birthday, and they gave him a Mandatory Protection Order to not have any contact with my daughter, and ANYONE under the age of 18 (which obviously includes our daughter) and he can have no Internet access except for business purposes.  I guess his lawyer fought for that cuz of Justin's job, but the DA's victims advocate told me the DA wants to fight that because it's hard to monitor that. 
When i let my brother know about that he got really pissed all over again.  I did too actually.  Especially with the no Internet thing, that must mean the cops found shit on his computer when they took it if they want to have him have NO Internet access.  Well the sick fuck was taking naked pictures of my daughter since she was like 4!!  Anyway, so my brother was going to come with me to court but it turned out he has a court date the same fucking day for his car accident he got into a month or so ago.  He was mad, he told me he doesn't want me to go through this shit alone.  I appreciate it, but i've felt nothing but alone since this came out.
It makes me so mad to think about.  He must have known that he wouldn't be allowed to see his daughter again!  I remember the night this came out, talking to him over the phone he was crying and i remember hearing him say "oh my baby girl!"  Cuz he KNEW that he would not be allowed to see her anymore!  God it makes me so fucking mad, now i'm responsible for 2 girls all by myself. 
On the 20th he also went to court over the child support i filed for, and they ordered him to pay me $584.00 a month!!  That'd be sweet if he wasn't facing prison time.  What good does that order do me if he's in fucking jail?   I think when the DA asks me what i would like to see, i'll probably tell her i think he should go to jail for every year that he molested my daughter.  That would be 7 years at least, she says this went on from the time she was 4. The thought of him even going to jail doesn't comfort me, but he is the biggest criminal i know right now, THE BIGGEST!  A worse crime than what he did in my mind is murder.  I didn't like child molesters before this shit came out about him and my feelings have not changed, he needs to go to jail.  You can't just fuck with a little girl for 7 plus years and have no fucking jail time. 
But on the positive side of things, the legal aspect of this is moving pretty fast.  My daughter's therapist even commented that the case is moving really fast in her experience.  And after visiting these message boards with these poor women (some men too) who's kids have been raped or molested and they talk about how long the legal system is and how frustrated they are is very heart breaking.  Well, the entire site is very heart breaking, it's not like it's a happy subject to begin with.  I remember this one poor woman was on there bitching because it had been 7 months since a police report was filed and nothing was happening, the investigation was going really slow. 
I haven't gone to therapy.  I can through victims compensation and get some free therapy out of it, but i just don't think i have the time.  They got me working full time at work now.  I'm liking it a lot, still getting to know a lot of people on our "team" as Whole Foods likes to call it.  Some people are kinda hard to read, like this one guy who has been working closing with me, i think he doesn't like me cuz i get to leave at 10:30 while some of them still have to stay and clean.  Hey man, it's not my fault they scheduled me till 10:30.  I dunno, maybe it's just my insecurities coming a float, cuz i've heard nothing but bitching and moaning from this guy about fucking everything, i think he's the one person i've met so far who doesn't seem to like their job.  Other than that one guy, everyone is nice.  There's this one girl who is really nice to me, always talks to me, she kinda looks like my old best friend from high school only with black hair instead of blond.  I don't know her name though, i feel bad! Although i don't think she knows mine either! 
Another reason why i'm loving work is, i'm starting to get the hang of it, and i kinda know what i'm doing now, so when i'm there i don't have to think about how Justin traumatized me and my daughters!!!  I'll probably blog in here before the 28th, but if i don't... wish me luck eh?  See ya....

Hi. I should really try and sleep but I'm not really all that sleepy right now. Things are difficult. In two days it's my daughters birthday. The impact of the very reality that her father could be going to prison soon has hit me. It pisses me off, it makes me think he didn't give a shit what the consequences of his actions would bring. When we were still talking he said he wanted me to remember all the good things he did for us, I told him I do, that's what makes the reality of what he was really doing all that more shocking.
I watched an episode of "Intervention" tonight, and this girl was addicted to heroin and she was molested as a child for several years. It broke my heart, I cried during it. My relationship with my daughter has gotten a lot better since she disclosed, I have to say. She like wants to do things with me now, sometimes she even calls me "mommy" which she has never done. Going and sitting with her in therapy I think has helped us a lot.
I think I've been numbing my broken heart with compulsive shopping. I really need to cut it out. I've spent like $400 in the last month of savings just on clothes and Bath & Body Works, Victorias Secret, I even bought a new iPod. then like a week later the iPod my mom washed in the washer that I thought broke came back to life.
Working my new job I suffered a pretty big pay cut, and we get paid every two weeks instead of every week like I've been used to. My very first check was kind of a shock. It was as much as I made in a week at Safeway! Let me tell ya, this Friday isn't coming quick enough! I gotta get use to trying to stretch my money for 2 weeks. My brother laughed at me and said, "welcome to the real world".
Well, I should really try to sleep. Back to work tomorrow.

I'm having one of my emotional spats again. My parents are having a garage sale tomorrow & I was going through my stuff (which has been in boxes this whole time) and it was upsetting. Seeing all my things and remembering where they were in the house, remembering the life I had. I just wanted to cry. I feel like things will never be "normal" again. I'm so sick of living with my parents I could throw up. My diet has taken a nose dive, I haven't gained any weight (knock on wood!) but it hasn't helped my self esteem any. Finding out the man u loved was choosing your child over you tends to break a woman's view of herself unfortunately. I started working out on my treadmill tonight. Only took me 3 months to crawl out of the depression I fell in & to look at it again and say,"oh yeah, I had bought that for a reason." I felt great after,now I just gotta keep up with it, and hopefully no more Jabba The Hut for me. I've still been downing my apple cider vinegar everyday, recently started doing my green superfood smoothies again too. I notice a difference when I don't do either one for a day too. I should really start eating the food they have me make at work, but a lot of it grosses me out! :-D seriously vegetarian rabbit food! I can't eat like that, I need meat!
Anyway, I feel better now that I blogged a little, god I was feeling horrible before.
My friend from Safeway was sending me texts the other night bitching about work and my former boss! :) I feel sorry for her, I can say I feel a lot better about work now that I'm not working there. It defiantly was a hostle work environment the way my boss intimidated certain people. She said she loved her job, but now that I'm actually around people who REALLY love their jobs, the difference is like night and day. Nobody really complains where she bitched NONE STOP! Come to think of it everyone at Safeway complained all the time. I've only been at my new job for 3 weeks now but everyone seems really happy.
So anyway, my friend got pretty much stuck with my old job when she told them she didn't want it. They don't seem to care from what she told me. I feel sorry for her, she said she wants to look for a new job now! She was asking when my days off are so we could hang out, I'll probably take her up on that, I get SO bored sitting around here, plus it'll be cool to see her again. Well my daughter has her therapy appointment in the morning so I gotta get some sleep. My younger daughters 8th birthday is next Thursday, that should be interesting, we'll see how that shit goes...wish me luck eh?

Oh geez, someone slap me. I can't stop crying. I feel like I did in the beginning. Does it ever get better? When will I be able to get on with my life without crying every fucking day? I feel like I owned the world and now I have nothing. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I have good days and bad, today was really bad. Of coarse it comes at bed time when my mind is running a million miles an hour. I hope tomorrow is better. I got to get to sleep, I gotta get up at 4 in the morning for work. Wish me luck eh?

Hey, high and hello! Just got home from work like half hour ago. Finished out my first week, it's awesome so far. Their payroll work weeks are different, it's Mondays through Sundays. It's weird, I haven't heard one person complain about their job yet, or the company for that matter. At my old job that's all you heard was people bitching about Safeway or bitching about being there. So far I'll give it to Whole Foods, they know how to make their employees happy. Going to culinary school did pay off in some ways cuz I know how to use a lot of the equipment already, and just the p's and q's of the kitchen basically.
I haven't really talked about myself a whole lot with my new co-workers. Really the only thing I've said is that I worked for Safeway for 11 years and that I have two kids.
I'm dreading when someone will ask about my love life. I think all I'll say is,"it's complicated." telling anyone about what's happened is so painful. I miss Justin a lot, talking with him. Now that he's been arrested I got a letter from the DA's office saying I can have no contact with him. It's probably better that way, talking with him was so painful. Last we talked it was through e-mail and he was asking if I'd call him on the phone. I told him no, like I've said before if I heard his voice I think I'd have some sort of mental break. I'm so dreading when I'm gonna have to see him in court, I just know I'll start to cry. I miss so much laughing with him, talking with him, having someone to come home to. Living with my parents again just adds to the depression. They've been awesome adjusting their whole house to let me and the girls live here, but I can't help but feel like I'm intruding. Not to mention feel like a teenager again living here!
Anyway, I was Jamba Juice last weekend and a song was playing there that reminded me of Justin, so I sent him a text saying I missed him & I hoped he was ok. I can't help it, the person I loved and knew I miss terribly. Then when I get to my daughters therapy and hear about the person who terrorized her for years, it's like we're talking about two different people. It's really scary, you think u know someone and it turns out u don't. I know deep down he's a good person, but hearing the details of what he did to a child brings doubts. I definatly miss having a boyfriend. I watched "Gnomeo & Juliet" w/ my kids yesterday and it was so hard to watch cuz of the whole fucking love story! In was bored and watched "Home Fries" with Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson, another fucking love story, it was funny up until the end when the whole love part of it came up, then it just made me cry.
I can't help but feel like I'm never gonna find someone who will treat me and my kids good. Who's gonna want to be with an over weight woman with two kids, both of which have dads with fucked up back grounds? And separate dads to top it off!
Oh I gotta stop being so pessimistic, I have negative thought I'll invite negativity into my life. Well, I'm gonna try to go to bed. Night...

I feel a giant sense of loss. My new job is bitter sweet. I'm wondering if all this stuff about Justin had never come out, would I still of had the determination to leave Safeway? I was working on trying to leave Safeway but it was really finding out what had been happening all these years while I've been at work that made me say,"this place is a cancer, and fuck you, I'm gonna find somewhere else to go, goodbye."
And here I am, doing what I love.
I feel like I could cry, Justin said he was proud of me when he found out I got the Whole Foods job. I wish I could share my happiness w/ him, but I can't. I keep telling myself that he did this to himself, that he made his bed.
Last Thursday the cops arrested him while he was at work. The legal system is pushing forward & time for judgement for the crimes he's committed all these years is coming.
I know this sounds weird but I'm not looking forward to it at all. He's the father of my child, he was the love of my life, finding out he molested my kid and now there's a good chance he'll go to prison and now my second child will be w/out a father devastates me.
The county case worker was really on my ass if I'll let him see our daughter, she made it sound like if I said yes she'd take my kids from me. So I said no. I really want Justin to be able to see his daughter but at this point I don't trust him enough for the two of them to be alone. It would HAVE to be supervised visitation. I don't want my second child to be w/out a dad, but what do I do? He's a child molestor for fucks sake!!
I'm so fucking mad, I should be happy and enjoying my new job, but here I am worrying about this sick shit!! I'm like SO happy at work, and then I get off and I come back to my shitty reality of a personal life!
All I can say is I'm glad for the people that are there for me. I didn't realize how much people cared about me till this tragedy came to the surface.
I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I just want to be happy and to have someone who will love me and never hurt me OR my children. I thought Justin was that person, that's what kills me. I've never been so broken hearted.
I really feel sorry for our daughter, she knows she hasn't been able to see her dad because of some bad things he did to her sister. She said for Fathers day she made a card for my brother instead. On her calendar under Fathers Day she wrote, "I don't have Dada" god, it tears me up, I could fucking cry!! That fucking dumb ass, what the fuck was he thinking?!? Did he think about what his sick fucking actions would do to his child, not to mention my child, the one he molested? Jesus, this makes me cry, and makes me mad. I should be happy about my new job, but here I am dealing with this shit.
Well, I've been working 5 a.m. to 1 p.m. shifts and I have tomorrow off, and I'm ready to crash out! See ya, thanx for listening...

P.S.
Oh yeah, my friend from Safeway texted me the other night & said the girl who replaced me already quit!! Ha, ha, I'm loving it!! :-D

So, tomorrow is the start to the rest of my life.  I start my orientation for Whole Foods tomorrow!  I'm excited!  So rather then go on here and bitch and moan and "whoa is me" like normal, i feel a tremendous amount of push tonight.  I'm so proud of myself that i finally pushed myself to finally quit the job i was stuck in for years and absolutely hated, and now i'm starting fresh and new, getting ready to do something i love and get paid to do it.  I have goals, and a lot for myself and my kids now.  I mean, i had goals for myself before it came out Justin was molesting my daughter, but now i feel i have more drive and determination to reach my goals.  I'm just mad at myself that it took this awful truth coming out to push me over the edge to finally leave my horrible job.  It paid really well, but i wasn't happy.  I can not begin to tell u how tickled pink i am that i don't have to go and hang tags tomorrow night! 
I have already accomplished so much in just getting a Chef's position at Whole Foods, but i really want to do everything i always wanted to do.  I have drive to get my Jeep Liberty i've always wanted, fix up my Mustang, buy a place for myself and my girls with a kitchen just as kick ass as the one we had, only better!
I've already made baby steps towards my immediate goal of moving out of my moms. I bought my very first desk top computer (and i LOVE it!), i have my very own HD t.v., although small at least i have one when before i didn't, i have my own Blu-Ray player, i have my own printer/scanner/copier, my red couch i always wanted and now it's MINE, with a cool coffee table/box i got at Hobby Lobby.
Reminds me of that Pink song "Lonely Girl".  Well, i'm gonna make it happen.  Everything i always wanted to do when I was with Justin, and everything i've set out for myself now that he's gone, i'm gonna push so hard to make it become a reality. In a sad and weird way, i know that's what he would want me to do, and not to hold myself back because of his dumbass choices in life.
I will not let this tragedy keep me down.  Anyway, wish me luck for the next few days!

Tried laying down to fall asleep and that wasn't happening.  So my last day at Safeway was Wednesday.  It was strange, no one really knew it was my last night, just a few people.  Clocking out for the last time and walking out of the store was like a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders.  I drove home with a smile.  I start my new job Tuesday, so i have some days off which will be nice.  I won't get any PTO for a while. 
My daughter's therapy appointment was today and she asked me to sit in on it again.  It was hard as usual, she talked about abuse that occurred when she was really little, like kindergarten age.  It was upsetting to hear, but i remained composed and supportive for my daughter.  At least she didn't break down this time talking about it, you can tell she's become more comfortable with the therapist and can talk about it easier now.  This whole thing is so difficult, i don't know how i'm ever gonna make it through this.  At least i don't have to go to Safeway anymore, where i was this whole time while this shit was going on.  I swear after finding out, going into work was almost unbearable.  Now i'm opening a new chapter of my life and i can begin to move on. 
I feel so sorry for my daughter, hearing her talk about what happened to her today was depressing.  I feel like he robbed her of having a real happy childhood.  Surprisingly she says she has no problem trusting people now!  Shit, i'm the exact opposite!  That has me a little concerned because he was basically her father figure, but from the therapy she made it sound like she never really looked to him as a father figure. 
I guess you wouldn't look to the man living with you who is sexually abusing you every night your mom is gone, as a father figure.  It was just surprising to hear that.  The whole session was weird cuz she talked about what he would promise her if she did what he was asking her to do (and it totally sounded like some shit justin would bribe her with) and then he wouldn't come through with what he told her he'd give her.  It was very upsetting to hear about the abuse when she was really little, frankly it just made me more mad. 
We talked about what we would say to justin if we could, and i came out and said that i've been talking with him and talked about how apologetic he has been, and that he's in therapy now. 
Well, i had to say how i really felt and this is how i really feel, i feel that he's more sorry that he had got caught.  I honestly believe if my daughter would have never said anything, he would of kept right on abusing her.  It took her bravery of coming out and telling to finally get him to stop, she had said he offered her money the night before she disclosed, to take pictures of her and she refused.  Some mental break must of happened cuz the very next day she came out and told on him, and he lied to me over the phone and told me he hadn't done anything to her in a year.  Well, that turned out to be a big fat lie, on top of the years and years of lies he carried out. 
I'm really upset if you couldn't tell.  Please let me make it through this, it's so fucking difficult, i feel like my heart is gonna explode out of my chest. 
Well, i took some melatonin and i think it's starting to kick in.  Gotta try and start being with the day people now, it's weird!  See ya later..

Please let me find the strength to make it through this difficult time in my life. The man I loved lied and betrayed me, now I'm left to pick up the shattered pieces he broke. he had no respect for the mental well being of my daughter or myself. I just want a normal life for me and my kids again. Please give me the courage to face the unknown future that lies before me. I face lots of changes and new beginnings, please don't let me be scared. I'm trying to be positive, it's something I'm not use to. Please don't let me fuck up my new job, I worked so hard to get to this point (I needed a little kick in the ass to get here, but I'm here)
I was watching "The War Of The Roses" the other night and it had a line in it that really hit home, "just when you think you have it all figured out, something comes along that knocks you right on your ass." fuck, if that ain't the story of my life!
Gotta try to sleep...

I feel very pissed off.  I feel like the last 8 years of my life were a huge deception.  I'm being shown the truth of what has gone on for years and it's fucking pissing me off.  What did i do to deserve this pile of shit that happened?  How did i land up with such a sick guy?  I know i shouldn't be blaming myself and i'm not really, everyone was fucking shocked over this shit.  I heard a line from a movie the other night that stuck with me "just when you think you got it all figured out something comes along to knock you on your ass."  Man, that should be the fucking motto of my life!  I'm looking back over the years of my life in a totally different light, now that i've been shown an ugly truth.  I need to take my supplements, the shit i heard today come out of my daughters mouth was like a punch in the stomach.  She did really good, her therapist said it's been the first day that she really got to open up in front of me.  She confronted me on a few things that she had been feeling when we still lived with Justin. She felt that i should have known about it because he was my boyfriend.  She said she had thoughts that if i had found out about it and her fear was that i'd be ok with it and wouldn't care.  She said she knew i'd be mad, but she was afraid that i wouldn't care that it was going on.  She also said she felt that i favored her sister over her. 
It was a lot and i of coarse responded truthfully and apologized for being so wrapped up in my relationship with Justin, and trying to fix that while she needed me and i didn't even realize it.  It is true, i was wrapped up in my own shit from my depression to learning how to cook.  I can see how this went on for years w/out me even having a suspicion that anything was going on. 
She felt that i should have known Justin was going to molest her and i should have protected her.  I had to explain that everyone trusted Justin, no one had any suspicion of him being a child molester. 
It over all was a good session, but i left feeling very mad at Justin again.  He's fucked with my child emotions and her mental health.  It pisses me off to have to sit there and listen to her describe what was happening to her, and to hear how she mentally coped with it while it was happening.  It's much like a rape in a lot of ways, cuz the victim mentally shuts down in the same way my daughter was describing.
I was interested in psychology to begin with before this happened but now that i'm having to go to therapy sessions with someone who has been through traumatic shit i recognize some things i have read about on my own.  It's weird.  If i didn't go into cooking, i would of went into psychology cuz i think it's fascinating how the brain works.  Little did i know i was living with a very mentally disturbed individual.  That's scary.
I think i need to go to sleep, gotta get up early tomorrow, hope it's not windy again. 

Good news! Whole Foods hired me!! Right now they're calling my references & they have to run a back ground check on me, but it's pretty much in the bag! I gave Safeway my 2 week notice, my last day is the 18th! Yay me! The lady I work with didn't look too thrilled. Every one else I've told has congratulated me but her. I fully wasn't expecting her to be happy for me, right away she was like, "this is actually pretty bad, my vacations are next month." whatever.
When I told my store manager she was happy for me & told me her son is a manager at Whole Foods & that they're a good company and I'll do well with them.
Anyway, so I'm excited about my new venture in life.
On the other hand Justin came and read this blog again and freaked out like he did before. Guess he didn't like my last post! I dunno why he's coming here and reading this when he molested my kid for 8 years, what does he expect to read? I kinda feel sorry for him but, and I even told him this in my reply to his e-mail, the more we go to my daughters therapy sessions & the more I find out what he was doing to her, the harder it is for me to want to talk to him. So we pretty much came to a mutual agreement not to talk to each other anymore. After the last therapy session I left so fucking pissed off at him cuz I have to sit there and see how hurt my little girl really is. She came out and was asking questions about the whole legal process of all this, and even asked if what Justin did was illegal. The therapist told her yes, and asked if she wanted him to go to jail for what he did to her, and she answered yes. It was rough. In the next session the therapist wants her to tell me MORE about what Justin was making her do! Jesus, it's gonna suck but it'll be good for her to get it out, especially to me.
Our relationship has gotten a whole lot better since she disclosed. I feel a lot closer to her, and feel a little guilty that I was so wrapped up in my relationship with Justin all these years, that I was kind of putting her a side. When she hugs me now, she actually hugs me, which makes me so happy! Before she would always give me fake hugs, ya know not really hugging me just kinda putting one arm around me and that's it. Now it's a real hug, and she even tells me she doesn't want me to go to work, when she never did before, it was always my younger daughter that said that to me.
Oh that reminds me. So I asked the therapist her thoughts on why my younger daughter never asks about Justin. She talks about him, but she never asks "where's my dad, why can't I see my dad?" it really has me worried, so I asked her what she thought. And she told me she just thinks that my daughter may have known what was going on w/ Justin and my other daughter! She said when she talked to the county human services lady about our case, the human services lady told her nothing happened to my younger daughter, but she wouldn't be surprised if she knew about what was happening to her sister! As far as my daughter (the one who was being molested) knows, she says her sister didnt know what was going on. But I can't imagine when this was happening, Justin putting the younger one to bed and allowing the older one to stay up so he could do this sick shit to her, and my younger daughter not getting out of bed to see what her sister was doing, and why she got to stay up. Man, it's just fucking crazy, I still can't believe he was doing this. It really pisses me off.
The therapist tried calling the detective during the last session but of coarse it went to his voice mail. I'm pretty scared for the next session, the minute my daughter talks about it, she breaks down crying. God it hurts me so much to see how much this has affected her mentally. I do like being able to be open with my daughter in these sessions and letting her know how guilty I feel and how if I had known I would of taken her out of that situation a long time ago.
It's brought us closer and that makes me happy.
Well I should try to go to sleep. See ya later...

Whoo, finally some nights off. Things are strange in my world. So I've been talking w/ Justin, still only through texts, I refuse to call him up on the phone cuz if I hear his voice I think I'll have a mental break or something. I think I might have been suffering from a little bit of stolkholm syndrome. For a while there I felt sorry for him, even was scared for him a little bit. now it's more of disgust. When I talk w/ him I'm nice to him...I know, I shouldn't be. I get mad when I look back on our relationship and the times he'd get mad at me for some shit, and make me feel like the worst girlfriend, all the while he was molesting my kid. God it pisses me off. Not to mention how creeped out I feel when I think that I lived with this guy for years and he was a sick fuck all the while. I thought back to the time we had to take my daughter to the emergency room cuz we thought she had broke her elbow, turned out it was nothing but at the time she was freaking out. In remember sitting in the waiting area & Justin was holding her, trying to comfort her, and I remember at the time thinking, "oh how nice he's being so fatherly." now I think back to that shit and it totally creeps me out knowing what I know now what he had been making her do.
I just want the cops to get the ball rolling on this, I haven't heard shit in like a month. The county human services is doing more than the fucking cops! I would call the detective on Monday, but I'm afraid if there's any bad news it'll ruin my mojo for my interview that day. It just is so frustrating nothing is happening, my kid was molested for christs sake!
I know justin's in therapy, which is good I guess, I think he's doing it so it'll look good to the judge when the time comes. When I talked w/ my friend Jason who works as a case worker in a federal prison he said even w/ him doing therapy it won't matter in the end once it comes to sentencing. Unless he has a really good lawyer, he was telling me. I dunno, at this point I've heard so many different things. I bought and am thumbing through a book about what happens and how to mentally cope after your kid has been molested. It's pretty good and has helped to bring some things to light the little bit I've read.
All I can do is live day to day and most of all hope I get that Whole Foods job. The girl who interviewed me said eventually I will probably go full time, when I applied on line it said the position was part time. On the Whole Foods website it says 80% of their employees are full time. I just wanna start racking in the money so I can move out of my moms. We're all settled in and ive gotten use to being back home, it's still surreal though. Well I should try and get some sleep. See ya...

Howdy y'all! Just kidding. So I actually have some good news I can write about instead of tragedy. Yesterday I was interviewed for a Chefs position at Whole Foods, AND...they called me in for a second interview on Monday!! Oh yeah!! I'm fucking excited! My brother was really excited for me too, well, my whole family was. My daughter got all excited the day Whole Foods had first called me to talk with me. I'm really shocked they wanted me to be honest, when I applied for it I really thought it would be a long shot cuz I have such little experience. The funny thing is, the day before I finally got my Certificate for basic culinary skills from my school, then the next day Whole Foods calls.
I remember listening to a Coast To Coast podcast about the power of intention, so the last couple days I totally have been thinking positively about my interview. I have to admit after I left the interview & the girl who interviewed me told me she had a couple more people to interview & she'd call me later and let me know if they wanted me for a second interview, I left kinda worried. I was totally worried she'd interview someone who had more experience than me and they wouldn't want me. But she called right before I clocked into work and told me the good news! I was all fucking happy!
Earlier in the day me and my daughter went to the Whole Foods by our house to get something to eat, and I was checking out the chefs and the food they put out. I'm really excited, I hope everything goes well on Monday. I personally thought I had bombed on a couple questions she had asked me. One was like,"what have you done to go above and beyond for a customer?" I fucking hated being a cashier and dealing with asshole customers, so for me it was a total curve ball question. But she was telling me the position I applied for has a lot of customer service. I'll still be cooking but I'll also be doing customer service. Ya know when you go to a deli counter and the person behind the deli gets your food from the case? That's basically what I will be doing. So I'm crossing my fingers, putting positive vibes into the atmosphere, envisioning success in my future. The only thing I'm kinda worried about is now that my daughter is in therapy (which is going good so far) and I'm leaving my job where I get my health insurance, and I'll have to wait like 6 months till I get insurance through Whole Foods, her therapy will probably have to be put on hold. Fucking victims compensation only pays for 3 sessions which isn't shit for a victim of 7 years of child sexual abuse. That I am worried about cuz she does need the therapy. Well, I should go to bed, just thought I'd share the good news, god knows I need it. See ya...

This fucking sucks. I want my life back. My life is nothing but emotional chaos. It's four in the morning and I can't sleep. All I think about 24 hrs a day is this shit. I fall asleep, and wake up and it's the very first thing that pops in my head. "oh I'm not in my bed at home, I'm still at my moms, my life sucks.. Oh yeah." I constantly worry about my kids. Not only my daughters mental state but my younger daughters emotional state. Even though she doesn't know why she can't see her dad, I worry all the time how him being gone now is affecting her. This just sucks. My mom moved me down to the basement now. I actually like it better than the little spare room she put me in at the beginning. I bought my very first couch yesterday, that was exciting. I have my new t.v. & bluray player down here w/ me and I have to sit on the floor to watch a movie or t.v. Sometime today my brother and me will try and move the couch down here. My dad can't lift it & my brother worked all day, so my brand new couch is still in the back of my dads truck.
Thank god for my supplements I'm taking that help w/ stress. I didn't take them for like 2 days and I had an emotional breakdown one night. I just totally cried my eyes out again. I don't cry as much like I was at the beginning, maybe like once a day now. It's tough. One night I started thinking about Justin going to prison and I totally got freaked out & depressed. Like I said, I still have a part of me that cares about him. I do miss him, the person I knew, I mean. I miss having that comfort of him being there when I come home from work. Now I come home and it's just me, with my thoughts of my uncertain future. I'm trying so hard to be positive. Buying things I need for when I move out of my moms is fun. I have more money to spend on me and the girls now that I don't have a ton of bills anymore.
I've been talking with Justin thru texts, I've been nice to him. I'm so emotionally drained w/ being angry. That and I can't help but feel a little sorry for him. I keep telling myself it's a mental illness and he needs serious help.
Well I really need to try and fall asleep. Just wanted to vent a little. See ya...

The past couple days have been the hardest ever.  I'm starting to really miss Justin and it's killing me.  Saturday we went and got the majority of mine and the girls stuff, it really sucked.  Not once did anyone stop and say, "are you ok, do you want to slow down?"  It was just constant "What do you want packed now, what do you want to do with this?"  It was awful.  I felt so rushed.  Then certain items i have would bring up a question of where it came from, and of coarse cuz me and Justin were together 8 years, it'd bring up a story about the two of us, and it just hurt.  Late last night, i fucking lost it and just cried my eyes out and landed up texting Justin. I couldn't stand it, i miss him like crazy.  I have to keep reminding myself of the details of what my daughter told me.  I can't help it, apart of me still loves him.  I know that sounds sick to someone reading this on the outside perspective.  Talking with his sister has really made me feel sorry for him, and hearing what he's been up to and doing since this has happened.  He's in therapy, they put him on anti-depressants.  He told me last night he went off of em cuz they were making things worse. 
I think i'm really going nuts.  I seem to be fine when i'm around people, but the minute i get alone by myself i just lose it and cry my eyes out.  I've been combating it with my supplements, and it does help but of coarse it's not a cure all.  I think if i wasn't taking em, i'd defiantly be suicidal.  I really feel lost without Justin now, he was my whole life and now he's gone.  I heard the cheesy Boyz to Men song "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" the other day and it made me think of him, and i completely lost it and cried.  I miss talking with him, i miss being around him, i miss the laughs we'd have together, i miss well... i miss everything about him.  He was my love, he was my everything, and now i can't have him.  I could just die.  I feel like a lost soul wandering among everyone, i feel like a shadow on the wall no one looks at.  God, how i wish he would of never of done this, why did this have to happen??  Why give me the greatest love and then just take it from me, and torture my heart and soul like this.  Now more than ever, i really don't believe there is a god, why would he let something like this happen if there was??  Then all these women i talk to say to me,"You don't need a man in your life" and this is coming from women who are married!!  Some 40 years married, 30 years married, 10 years married.  Bunch of fucking hypocrites!  OH yeah, leave your man now, then come to me and tell me that shit.  Shut the fuck up and leave me alone. 
Last night was really bad, i just wanted to die.  Sometimes i just wish i'd get hit by a car in city traffic and all my pain and everything would be gone.  But then i think of my kids and i feel guilty for even thinking like that.  That's depression for you, i've been down this road before, but not on this level.  I'm just glad i have other people to talk with about this, i'm not the only one right now going through shit. 
Living with my parents sure as hell doesn't help anything either.  I feel i've lost my freedom, i'm already getting irritated by little things both my parents do, things that i remember bothered me when i lived with them before.  I applied for a job at Whole Foods over the weekend.  I need to find a new job, something where i can get more hours so i can hurry and move the hell out.  Plus, being at my job now i totally freak out and just want to leave.  Justin was molesting my daughter while i was at work, so now when i'm at work i do nothing but think about what happened to my daughter.  Not even my podcasts drown out the thoughts in my head, and i land up just tuning out my podcasts all together.
Then on top of everything else, i'm worried about making it by myself.  A part of me wants to ask my brother if he wants to get a place together, but i just know i couldn't live with him.  I'd want to kill him after a month. 
Me and my brother have been getting along pretty good, it's actually been kinda nice being able to see him more, but he's hardly ever here.  Not that i blame him, being around my parents is pretty depressing.  Well, i rented a movie, 127 Minutes, i should probably watch it so i can fall asleep.  See ya later...

My last night off :( well, I only work 4 hrs tomorrow then I have another 2 nights off, but still! It's been a nice but fucked up week. Apparently Justin came and read this blog and freaked out. Sent me a suicidal like email so I freaked out.
Then earlier in the day I talked w/ an old friend of mine from way back in the day, and I told him what's going on, then he started to tell me crazy things. He is a case worker in a prison so he was all telling me what's probably gonna happen. He also told me his niece was molested when she was 7, and that she's ok now, she's 21 now and has a boyfriend and stuff but she had to go through years of therapy.
It's crazy how many people I talk to and then they tell me, "oh this happened to" so and so, and it's all some sick shit. I'm still totally shocked at how many people this shit has happened to.
So I'm struggling with my feelings towards Justin. Even though I haven't seen him in a month, he's literally falling apart in front of me. It kills me, I can't help but feel sorry for him. Especially after what my friend told me happens to child molesters in prison. I can't help but feel scared for him, even though he committed this horrible crime to my kid, I can't just shut off these emotions I've had towards him for years. This sucks so bad. I should try to sleep..see ya...

Hi.  My vacation so far has been awesome.  I haven't done shit and i'm loving it.  I have been spending a lot of time with my girls though.  We went and saw "Rango" which was really cute, and we went and ate at this awesome pizza place by my moms.  I've been watching quite a lot of movies lately, i bought a blu ray player cuz we have a shit load of blu rays and we'd have no way to watch em, so i got a player for $100 at Best Buy.  Watching movies has taken my mind off of reality and has helped to numb me i guess.  Justin sent me a couple emails talking about our relationship, reflecting on it i guess.  He started reading my Mars and Venus book finally i guess and he's having an "ah ha" moment like i did.  Too little too late unfortunately.  The emails made me sad, he was saying all the things i've been wanting him to say for years and now it's not gonna help anything.  I just keep thinking about him molesting my daughter and i freak out and get so depressed.  I just wish he would tell me why he molested my kid, what in his fucking brain made him do it.  He says he can't tell me right now and i have to wait.  Maybe i'll never find out.  It's been a month now since my daughter disclosed and it's still shocking.  Thinking of him and our life together and having to realize the truth that he was touching my daughter this entire time after i'd leave for work!  And the worst i thought he was doing while i was at work was masturbating to porn!!  I'm still shocked and sad and sick.  Watching some of my tv shows sucks too cuz they talk about the love and support of their husband or wife, and i feel awful cuz i use to have that, and it turned out to be a total betrayal.  Justin has apologized a thousand times to me, but has never explained himself.  He says since he started reading Dr. John Grays book he read some old emails of ours where we had some arguments and he apologized for being an ass.   
Anyway, I am glad that he's finally reading the book and it's opened his eyes, but on the other hand it makes me totally sad cuz i now see that if he just would of read the book like i was asking him to do, it would of helped us.  But he had to be a fucking pedophile and any chance i had at real love and happiness is gone.  I don't want a new boyfriend, i don't want to put my kids through that, i don't wanna have to go through the whole bullshit of dating again.  I hated dating to begin with.  God i feel so cheated, i really thought i had found gold, i thought i had found MY mate, the other half of myself.  And it really felt like it, when i was with him i was the happiest girl in the world, he made me smile, he was my reason for everything.  Aw, fuck, why oh why did he have to molest my kid?  I'm so sad right now...
I have to say though, the emotional support i'm getting from people who never really talked to me much while i was with Justin, and all of a sudden are now, is pretty awesome. I got a cute little text today from one of my friends with a little animation of a stick figure running after a heart and it said "follow your heart", it was stupid but it did make me smile and made me feel a little better. 
Well I'm gonna try and watch another episode of "The Next Great Restaurant" online, it's a stupid ass show and i hate Bobby Flay and Curtis Stone, but i can't sleep and there's no more movies to watch.  See ya later..

My emotions have been better lately, especially now that i'm on vacation and i feel a sense of freedom from having to worry about work.  If there's some positivity out of all of this, my yearning for music has come back to me.  This time i'm not so much into music w/ an angry message but more toward a deeper meaning.  So i've found a new love, don't laugh cuz she kicks fucking ass (some of her songs)... Dolly Parton!!  Yes, my love of old school country is moving from Willie and Waylon and Johnny Cash to the females now.  Back in the day she was so pretty, it really inspires me to concentrate more on my own beauty, ha, what's left of it!  Later this week i plan on finally balling up and going to a salon and having my hair layer cut and getting some highlights.  I'm gonna try and find a place that'll dye it black again and put hot red highlights in it.  It think that'll be cool.  Anyway, here's my girl and my two new favorite songs Jolene and A Coat Of Many Colors, all writen by Dolly herself, her early stuff i have fallen in love with...

I should really be trying to sleep.  But oh well.  The last two days have been better.  Yesterday i hung out with my brother most of the night, that was really nice we giggled our ass off and had fun watching "Psycho".  During the day i had went over to what is now deemed "the house" which is fucked up cuz it use to be "our house" like three weeks ago.  Going back to it absolutely breaks my heart cuz i see that house and i remember all the dreams we had had on what we were gonna do to the house and how excited we were.  We were gonna start to paint the bedroom, thank god i only bought a sampler of the paint and not a whole can!!  Anyway, so me and justin's sister were there packing mine and the girls shit.  It was kinda nice, i got to have a good conversation w/ her about what's going on.  It's kinda weird but me and her were never really that close all these years and now that this tragedy has occurred it's kind of brought us together.  I'm still super paranoid and don't trust anyone, not even the cops who are i'm told "helping me".  I only talked to his mom for a little bit, we hugged and she said to me "we'll get through this", his sister told me their mom is seeing a therapist already, apparently her and her boyfriend also split up, unrelated to what came out about Justin, but she's going through some shit right now too.  I don't trust her either, our first phone conversation after this happened she was telling me not to press charges and that justin "just needs therapy".  Riiight.  I didn't talk to her anymore after that shit.  I haven't talked to the brother or the dad yet, that shit will be super weird.  All of this is too much to take in right now.  Our daughter hasn't asked about him at all, she talks about him sometimes, but just in passing.  I think him not being around might be starting to bother her finally just in the last couple of days.  She's been getting teary eyed about some of the dumbest things, but she tends to do that anyway, so i dunno.  All i've told her is that her dad did a bad thing and we broke up, and i dunno when she's gonna be able to see him again.  I had to sit her down and tell her this shit myself cuz she wasn't asking, even after we had started bringing some of her shit over here to my moms.  The only thing even close was the day my daughter disclosed she wrote me a note before she went to bed asking, "why were you crying in the car?"  And after i told her what was going on w/out telling her everything, she said to me "i know."  and that really freaked me out and i was like, "what do you mean you know?  did your sister say anything to you?" She said no.  So later i asked my other daughter if she had said something to her sister about what was going on and she told me no.  Ever since this shit came out she's been super honest with me and very open, so i believe her.  I guess my 7 year old isn't stupid, i mean she saw me and her sister crying our eyes out, a few days later we start bringing shit of hers to grandmas then i sit her down and tell her that her dad did a bad thing and we can't live w/ him anymore and i dunno when she's gonna get to see him again, i guess she just put it together.  I remember i was 7 when my grandpa committed suicide and we had to drive to their house cuz i guess he had threatened to commit suicide, and i heard my parents talking about it in the car, and i remember when we got there my grandma was in the kitchen and my dad asked where my grandpa was and she said, "he's gone" and my mom said, "what do you mean he's gone" and my grandma made the motion of a gun being fired with her hand to the side of her head.  I mean, i knew what was going on, i wasn't retarded, and i remember i got so mad at my parents cuz i over heard them saying "i don't think she understands what's going on."  So i think that might be the story with my daughter, she may not know the details but she knows we're not living w/ her dad because of something that he did to her sister.  I just dread when she does ask more questions, i have to prepare myself i guess.  Well i better go to sleep now, see ya later...

Today wasn't as great as yesterday.  I hate talking with my parents about this shit.  They are the grandparents and do have a right to know what's going on, but i just hate it.  It's so embarassing and hard to talk about, especially with my mom.  She's all asking me who i trust, god i just wanna yell at her, "i don't trust anyone, are you fucking kidding me, i don't even trust you!" I know she's just trying to be helpful but she's making it harder for me.  I could just cry, i'm so pissed.  I keep thinking about what my daughter said happened to her and trying to picture justin doing this stuff and it just makes me physically sick to picture and think about.  What kind of person does this to a child???  I would of much rather he cheated on me with another woman, this shit is just stuff out of the movies or shit you read about in the paper.  Although i'm excited about going on vacation and not having to worry about work, on the other hand all week i'm gonna have to deal with this. At least at work i can talk with people about things OTHER than this!!  I actually love it, it takes my mind off of the tragedy for a while, and i can laugh and smile for a change.  Tomorrow night i'm gonna open my Godiva liquor and try and relax, maybe play star wars monopoly with my kids.  Hopefully my parents will let me cook.  I'm going back to the scene of the crime tomorrow to get more of our stuff, that's gonna suck, i'm totally not looking forward to it.  Where we're gonna put all of our shit, i dunno.
My poor daughter...nothing for dinner again, just my apple cider vinegar and honey with a glass of water, yum...

You can push me out the window

I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your eighteen wheeler truck
And I won't give a
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your eighteen wheeler but
You can't keep me down


God i feel like such a tard writing in this stupid blog like everyday. It really is helping me to get out my feelings and sort through them. It's the only thing besides my kids, music and my friends and family keeping me sane. So i went to bed last night as down as i could be, listening to Waylon Jennings "I'm A Long Way from Home" and cried myself to sleep again, but i woke up this morning and after dropping the girls off i went to Starbucks and got me some coffee. My first cup of coffee since this whole shit has happened. Then this stupid ass Pink song came on my Ipod, and i remember i use to listen to it back in the day when the lady i work w/ use to piss me off. Man, it gave me a boost of optimism that i desperately needed! Fucking Pink eh? :) No but it had a really good message in it and all of a sudden it was like the clouds cleared and the sun shined through finally. And the coffee i hadn't drank in weeks reminded me why i decided to be a chef in the first place, if it wasn't for my venture into making espresso, my curiosity into learning how to cook would of never of developed. And it was my passion for cooking, that ultimately boosted my low self esteem and brought me out of my depression. Anyway, I also bought the Starbucks bacon breakfast sandwich, and even that was a reminder of why i wanted to be a chef, and it just basically reminded me of my dreams in a nutshell. The sandwich was gross, the ciabatta bun wasn't buttered, the egg tasted like the fucking egg substitute my school used and the bacon was faking bacon. It ultimately made my almost all but lost chef mind start in gear again and i started thinking of what kind of breakfast sandwich i'd make and sell and how much more kick ass it would be. My creativity all of a sudden made an appearance again. It was awesome, i actually felt happy for the first time in weeks!! I still feel this beautiful sense of optimism, i have hope for the first time that i can make it. I can do it, i can make it through this. Yes, i'm gonna have my bad days and i'm gonna cry, i'm gonna feel like shit, but i'm not giving up! God damn it, i've put up with so much bullshit in my life, you wanna throw this shit at me, fuck you!! Your not gonna push me down cuz like Sugar Ray Leonard, i'm gonna get back up and knock you the fuck out! Things right now are bad, but they could be a lot worse. My friend at work the other day pointed out to me i'm lucky as fuck to have my parents, while yes it does suck living w/ them again, but they could not be around and me and my girls could be in a women's shelter right now.
And i thank god for Dr. John Gray, while it didn't save my relationship with Justin, and Justin wouldn't read his books, it sure as hell helped me a lot and the supplements he recommended have really been like a life jacket for me. I stopped taking my 5-HTP, and the last few days i started taking it again, and today i think i'm feeling the effects again, cuz i don't feel like my life is over anymore. Yes, i do have a sense of loss and sadness, it's gonna take me a long time to get over my relationship w/ Justin, i was in love and he deceived me through our whole relationship and he has to reap what he has sown for the rest of his life. The impact of what he has done is just some feelings i'm gonna have to sort through, but i'm not gonna let it stop my life and impose on my goals in life. I have to think of my girls and our future. I have this sudden sense of survivalism and a new found motivation not to give up on what i was gonna do in the first place. It's kinda weird too cuz Justin had sent me and e-mail telling me not to give up on being a Chef, and i just brushed it off cuz i'm so fucking pissed at him and i was frankly insulted. It's hard to think about, but he's right, and it makes me think of the man i was in love w/ and how much i do still love and miss him. what he did is unforgivable and i can never go back to him because my daughter would never forgive me, and she's more important to me than any man will ever be. The man i was in love w/ i have to let go cuz he was molesting my daughter and he stole something sacred in a child that you can never replace. The hurt he's caused to my family, i will let it run it's coarse but i can't let it stop my life.  The day my daughter disclosed this, i was crying and i hugged her and she said to me,"it'll be ok." My 11 year old, who was the victim of this awful crime, telling ME it'll be ok. I think she's much stronger than i could ever dream to be. I wanna make my girls proud of me and if i allow myself to fall into the pit of despair, then misery has won, and i won't let that happen. :) I just wanted to share my happy feelings i found today. Maybe it's delirium, i did only get like 3 hours of sleep last night, hee hee, i dunno. That stupid ass Pink song, who would of guessed eh?

"I'm a long way from home and so all alone
Homesick, like I never thought I'd be
I'm a long way from home and everything is wrong
Someone please watch over me

I'm not accustomed to these feelings
The loneliness is burning in my soul
Sometimes the mind is so misleading
I wish I'd stayed at home like I was told

I'm a long way from home and so all alone
Homesick, like I never thought I'd be
I'm a long way from home and everything is wrong
Someone please watch over me"- Waylon Jennings

I'm praying to check out.  If i were to lose my mind and be locked in a padded room and i'd giggle my ass off thinking i'm somewhere else, that'd be heaven right now.  Anything to escape my reality.  The last couple days have been the worst.  I can't take much more of this shit.  Then this bullshit i'm dealing with everyday and i have to watch the even more bunch of bullshit on the news, i could lose my mind and i'm praying i do.  Constantly every fucking minute of the day i have to deal with the aftermath of the reckless criminal actions of others.  And is justice gonna be served? 
Boy, do i know how to pick em huh?  I go from having a child w/ the biggest most selfish asshole on the planet to having a second child w/ a fucking pedophile!!  Seriously, i'm such a fucking loser.  I'm gonna get my tubes tide so i can't have anymore kids with anymore lunatics.  My next boyfriend will probably turn out to be a murderer.  I just attract chaos and tragedy in my life, and my poor daughter comes from a family on her fathers side that's just cursed with bad luck.  I really never experienced misery until now.
If  i didn't have kids i think i would turn into a drug addict or alcoholic.  Wait, i'm such a retard, if i didn't have kids none of this shit would of ever fucking happened to me!!  I'd probably be in Paris studying culinary arts and having the fucking time of my life!  My brother told me that me and justin were probably meant to be together in another reality where we didn't have kids together.  Maybe that's right, i dunno.  As mad as i am at him, and as disgusted as i am at him, now that he's gone i can't help but feel like a part of me is gone.  It's weird.  Anger is really starting to settle in more than anything else.  Today it's been exactly 3 weeks since my daughter disclosed.  I'm totally proud of her that she overcame the control and fear she was under and came out and finally said something.  The more i think of it the more i think how much of a dumb ass justin was, i mean he really thought my daughter w/ my family blood was really gonna shut up for her whole life and never tell anyone?  My family is FILLED with fuckers who have the biggest mouths and won't shut up for shit.  Not to mention her dad's side of the family, they're filled w/ a cast of characters especially the sister, who was my close friend, and the mom. i remember the grandma and grandpa were devote racists, and when i met them they didn't make any secret of it.  Anyway, i hate talking about that piece of shit too, i just think it's kinda funny looking back on it and seeing how much my boyfriend underestimated my daughter, he thought he had control over her. He did for a long time, she finally had enough.  Fuck, that just kills me how deceptive he was, i really thought he was the one, i've never been so hurt in all of my life. I feel like a theif came and stole everything that meant anything to me. Oh fuck.  Tomorrow is another day, wish me luck.  Top Chef finale tonight, yay, at least i still have my petty little things that make me happy still.  A ham sandwich for dinner...

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  I could pull my fucking hair out, scream in someones face, punch someone in the fucking face, break some fucking glass.  I got big fat beaucrates breathing down my fucking throat, a bunch of fucking wasted tax dollars right in my fucking face everyday.  This is just about the worst part of this entire shit is having these scum of the fucking earth calling me every fucking day, interrupting my sleep i don't get anymore. The system is exactly what i thought it was, i was proven correct, and i'm not surprised.  I feel emotionally drained.  i'm like fucking turning into the Angelina Jolie character in Girl, Interrupted.  I gotta go to the hell pit tonight, i could fucking scream from that shit too.  Now that i need that job more than ever, i hate it more than ever.  Last night i finally got to cook, i made Fetticcini Alfredo for my family, it was awesome, though a very simple dish it made me feel awesome feeding people again.  i gotta keep it together, stay calm for my girls.  No dinner tonight, just green tea. 

Ok, so I wasn't gonna blog about this, in fact thoughts of completely deleting this entire blog went through my head.  11 days ago my entire world crashed around me.  It's kind of appropriate that chaos from the earthquake in Japan is happening right now because that's how i feel about my whole life right now.  Like a nuke site is about to blow up and destroy everything.
My daughter had like a mental breakdown at school and came out and disclosed to a teacher that my boyfriend of 8 years has been molesting her since she was 3 years old.  That's the ENTIRE time we have lived together!!  I didn't want to believe it, in fact when they told me i defended him and said no way, he's not that type of person.  Then my daughter told me everything, and no 11 year old could make up what she told me, in detail, theres no way.  Then the icing on the cake was a text my boyfriend sent saying goodbye basically. After DHS called and told him he couldn't be around the girls anymore, that he was named in a child abuse case, i checked Facebook really fast while i was getting my shit for work, and he had posted a minute after they had called "Game Over."  Nothing more, nothing less, just "Game Over", he later deleted that post, my brother had seen it too and even commented on it, later my brother told me when he saw that he knew in his gut something wasn't right.
Later on talking with him on the phone, he was crying telling me he was sorry and why was i talking to him and didn't i hate him, going on and telling me he's been "better" about it and hasn't done anything in a year, and telling me he was molested as a child. In my mind if he had done nothing wrong why was he apologizing and crying and saying he wanted to kill himself and telling me about his childhood sexual abuse? Why?? It was like meeting him for the very first time, and i thought i knew him pretty fucking well.  Turns out i didn't know him at all.
I landed up getting pretty drunk that night and throwing up in the middle of my parents street and crying my eyes out, making a whole scene in the house at like 2 in the morning crying my eyes out and screaming.  What really triggered all that was a note my 7 year old left for me before she went to bed saying,"why were you crying in the car?  I want you to be happy and play bingo with me mama", i about fucking lost my mind, i had just experienced THE most traumatic event of my entire life and i had to try and keep composure for my kids, especially the one that was molested.  Well, the first night of this, composure wasn't an option.  I called into work completely making a scene and i probably sounded like a lunatic.
It's a nightmare, it's a living fucking nightmare.  I need to blog about this, i need to get my feelings out or i think i will go crazy, or even more crazier than i already feel.
More than anything i feel horrible for my daughter, she's gonna have so many fucking "daddy" issues it's not even funny.  Her real dad hasn't been around, and now her step dad was sexually traumatizing her.  Fuck he traumatized me and i wasn't the one he sexually violated.  I can't even imagine dealing with that shit at her age, when i was 11 sex was the LAST thing on my mind, jacking off a grown mans penis at the age of 9, i mean seriously??  Being touched like that by a grown man who is suppose to be your father figure??  My poor baby, she was scared to death!! 
I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me, i was SO in love with him.  The self esteem issues this raises for myself is a fucking mountain to overcome right now.  How fucking hideous am i that a fucking 3 year old looks good enough to fondle?  And this shit has nothing to do with me gaining some weight, he was doing this shit when i was a size 5, i mean the man is sick.  this explains why when we weren't having sex for like a year and a half why he didn't say anything about it, cause he was getting his jollies off on my fucking baby girl!!!
I mean, this has fucked up my mind to the point where i will need therapy for the REST OF MY LIFE.  I will have trust issues with men FOREVER!  The man i was with i trusted with my life and my children, you can't get more trusted than that.  Looking back on it, i now know why he had trust issues with me.  One of our last fights he was yelling at me and blaming me for snooping on him on his computer, when that wasn't true at all, and now i know why he was so paranoid.  He was afraid i'd come across his sickass secret.
And all of our mutual friends that claimed to have been my "friend" are now showing their true colors.  NO ONE has called me to ask how me and my daughter are doing, with the exception of one.  No one.  I have never felt so alone in all of my life.  Everyone seems to want to be hush, hush about it when that's what caused this sick fucking shit to begin with.  If my boyfriend had came to me and had been honest with me in the beginning and told me he had been molested as a child and was having these feelings and thought he needed therapy, i would of supported him.  But he chose to keep it a secret and to act out on his feelings using my daughter as his test subject. 
I'm pissed, i'm pissed off at the world, i'm sad, there isn't a day that goes by that i don't cry my fucking eyes out, i'm mad at myself that my daughter didn't think she could come to me and tell me.  I'm sick of people looking at me with this look of "oh that poor girl" look on their fucking face, i'm sick of people asking how i'm fucking doing.  I just found out the love of my life was fucking molesting my daughter for 8 years while i was at work at night, how the fuck do you think i feel?!?!   I'm fucking traumatized!!!
And just recently in the past 6 or 7 months after i discovered he was flirting with a 20 something girl on Facebook, i decided not to let the news of the world affect me so much and let it get me so angry because i obviously needed to get my OWN house in order before i tried to change the world.  And look what was going on in my own house, to my child, while i was at work making money to support my family.  Look what was going on.  I feel like such a dumbass, i feel like such a failure as a mom, i feel like a failure as a girlfriend.  Where did i go wrong that a baby was chosen over me sexually?  The man i fell in love with turned out to be preying on my helpless innocent daughter, and stealing her innocence from her.  I look at her in a totally different light now.  My heart breaks for her, she shouldn't have to be dealing with this adult bullshit at the age of 11!! 
I can't do my apprenticeship now cause i will have court dates i gotta go to, and what happens if my kids get sick i'm gonna need my insurance through my job i fucking hate.  Tomorrow is the day i was suppose to go to the orientation for my apprenticeship and now that was stolen from me, because of my boyfriends sick fucking fetish for little kids.  I'm living with my parents again, which is a fucking nightmare for me!!  It was a dream come true for me to get the hell out of their house, and now here i am back with them with two kids i gotta raise alone now, one of em with mental issues the size of fucking China and she's not even a teenager yet.  Maybe even with therapy she has a good chance of becoming an alcoholic, a drug addict, she could go on to molest kids herself cause she grew up seeing that as normal.  I mean she is so mentally fucked up now, i'm scared for her future.  But hopefully she'll overcome it through therapy and none of those horrible things will happen to her.  But i gotta face the facts that that shit is a possibility.  I have to put my life on hold, i was doing so good, i was bettering myself, i was living the dream, and now i have to start my whole life over again.
My passion for food and cooking has diminished quite a bit, i haven't cooked since this happened.  Well, i did cook hamburgers for the girls one night but it wasn't the same.  I felt like the fire in me has died.  I haven't been eating, the feeling of a hungry empty stomach seems to dull my mental pain, i've lost 6 pounds in the first 5 days of this coming out.  I wanted to lose weight but not in this way.  I kinda like the feeling of being dizzy from not eating, i feel like if i pass out i'll forget all this fucking shit for a little while.  Even when i sleep i dream about this shit, i see him.  It's a lot to deal with because the Justin i knew and fell in love with, i still love and care about A LOT, but i'm having to deal with the reality of who he really is and what he did to my daughter and the fact that he stabbed me in the back and betrayed me and my daughter.  He was my best friend, not only did i lose my love but i lost my best friend.
I wish i could wake up tomorrow and i'll be back in our bed and all of this would have been a horrible nightmare, he'll walk through the bedroom door and we'll look at each other like we did and giggle like we did, but i'm not and it's not and this is what i'm dealing with right now, this is my reality.  Fucking sucks.  Fucking sucks...

Ha, I had to delete my last post. It was such babble, I dunno what I was even trying to say. I was definatly half asleep writing that one! So my day had it's ups and downs today, but I think I'll live and we'll all be ok. I found out my dad is having surgery in August on his foot, he's getting his little toe taken off. His arthritis has fucked up his toes so bad that the doctors think it's best if they just take the toe off I guess. My poor dad, the last ten years all I can remember is him having feet problems. That's why I get so freaked out when my feet start to hurt. The other night at work my knee all of a sudden started to hurt, and I began to freak out cause my mom, my brother and two of my aunts have had knee problems. My mom has even had surgery on her knee.
Anyway, that's not why I wanted to blog right now. So Borders book store is closing like 9 stores in Colorado (which makes me mad because I JUST bought "Joy of Cooking" at Borders like a week ago!) so me and my girls went there to ransack the place and get new books. I got Julia Childs "The French Chef Cookbook", the book and DVD set of Julia's "The Way To Cook", and with much delight I got her autobiography "My Life In France". Oh my god, "My Life In France" is just awesome! I'm not even through the first chapter and I'm absolutely salivating over her descriptions of Paris, and the markets where she'd shop when she first started cooking, the pictures her husband took are just gorgeous, even in black in white it's breath taking. And the way she describes teaching herself how to cook and her hunger for wanting to learn as much as she can...oh, she's after my own heart, I tell ya! this had made my yearning for wanting to travel to France much more of a reality reading this. And reading about her learning French and trying to communicate with people is pretty inspiring, I want to learn French too and she did it at 35, 5 years older than me now. She was a very determined woman, once she got set on wanting to learn something she would just attack! I haven't gotten to the part where she goes to Le Cordon Bleu but I cant wait. It makes me feel kinda shitty too because my journey into learning to become a Chef has been halted but my yearning and eagerness to learn is still very much alive. Oh well, Julia inspired and pushed me over the edge to start going to culinary school, she's beginning to inspire me and give me the determination to finish through with it. The orientation for my apprenticeship isn't coming soon enough!

Oh, I'm a whole bundle of emotions right now. It hasn't even been a whole week since I left school and I'm already bored out of my mind during the day. It makes me feel like most of my adult life I've been a lazy bum. When I was in school I was having fun, I felt like I was accomplishing things.
Anyway, so I discovered a second apprenticeship program, this one is shorter, it takes 2 years to complete, but it costs more. The requirements aren't as demanding. I dunno, I'm still gonna go to the orientation meeting for the first program I was looking into to see if I at least qualify. I should though, I don't see why I wouldn't. Also don't think I can afford to do the other program I saw because I've already spent a good chunk of my tax return, and if I went with this second one I discovered it would leave me with not very much money. It said on the website though, at the end of the program you get reimbursed almost all of your tuition you pay, but that wouldn't be for 2 years from now. The first program I'm looking into says the same thing that you get reimbursed when you complete the program. so thats cool too.
I just hope this all pans out because I'll be giving up my security blanket of a job I've had for the last 11 years, and plunging feet first into a brand new career. I'm back on the road of uncertainty and the unknown, I feel like I did when I first started going to culinary school.. Just scared! But I can't give up, this is what I want, this is where my path lies and I can not let my family or myself down.
This apprenticeship program is a whole lot better deal in the end but I'll be able to be like Obi-Wan learning from Qui Gon... Hee, hee the nerd in me is totally getting a kick out of this.
It's all I can think about, and the unknown future and what lies ahead for myself and my family is just about killing me.
When I told my mom I was dropping out of my culinary school I felt so nervous, I had flash backs of when I was a teenager and I had to confront her about not wanting to finish high school. She was so supportive though and gave me some words of encouragement, a total 360 change from her reaction of me dropping out of high school. So far everyone I've told has been supportive of my decision. I haven't told anyone at work yet though, because then I'd have to explain my plans for apprenticeship and how I'm gonna have to eventually quit by the fall. I'm not looking forward to that at all.
Last night was the last night for one of the guys on the night crew who quit, and the lady I work under had bought him a card and a thing of cupcakes and had us all sign the card. It was very surreal, especially because the day before I realized I'm gonna have to quit my job if I want to do this apprenticeship thing. Oh god, I've been with the company almost 11 years and people will freak out when i give my two week notice! Let's see, the lady I work with I have worked with her doing price changes for like 8 fucking years!
I dunno, like I said, I'm a whole ball of emotions with this wind of change I find myself in now. well it's pretty late, I should really try to fall asleep. See ya later...

So I'm writing this with a melon collie to my tone.  I decided yesterday to drop my culinary arts course i was taking.  I know, i know it's kind of a shocker compared to my previous posts where i was having fun and i was all excited.  Well, i switched over to the day classes finally and i saw the horror of what went on during the day, and the reality of what i was actually paying for and i was ultimately completely horrified!!  So the students during the day run the school's deli, they feed the students and staff and they cater to businesses around the neighborhood.  So the first week i was stuck in the classroom all week, which i in the first place was really kind of pissed off about to begin with because it was mostly shit i had gone over before and stuff i had already had Chef sign off on that i had completed.  Basic sanitation, soups, stocks.  I even got my grades for completing level one, and i was a straight A student!!  I was super excited about that because i've never aced any subject in my entire life, so i was all on cloud nine, happy as hell that i had finally found my niche in life right. So last week, i finally am able to go into the kitchen and like i said, i was totally horrified at what i witnessed!  Chef was running a goddamn McDonald's kitchen!! 
Now, that's not really fair, they did do their entree fresh, the roast beef for the sandwiches was fresh, the soup, stocks, were fresh, the salad bar was fresh, the bakery items were fresh, except for the bagels and the hamburger buns (which shocked me because in the night class when Chef had us make a pork burger, he had us make fresh foccaccia rolls for the bun!) the omelet bar to a certain extent was fresh, but they were using egg substitute.  The rest of the stuff they served was brought in through the Sysco orders, i mean literally these students were reheating pre prepared food!!  Frozen french fries, frozen tater tots, frozen hamburger patties,  green chili in a bag they heated in a steamer, the red chili also, even the deli roll sandwich buns were brought in through the Sysco orders, and the shit i saw that set me over the edge more than the frozen fries was the nasty fucking giant can of nacho cheese sauce they had to heat up!!  It was fucking crazy!!  I thought it over through the weekend and ultimately once Monday came around and my alarm went off at 5:30 in the morning to go back to school, i sat and drank some tea and contemplated if i really wanted to go or not.  I decided no, and went back to bed. 
It was really hard for me to come to the decision to drop out, but I just can't be spending my money on something i could learn how to do in a McDonald's kitchen, and also pay $7,000 learning how to do it!!!  So in the end i saw it was a total rip off.
But the gray skys have  parted (temporarily) and i have already found something else that is better.  Red Rocks Community College offers an apprenticeship program for Culinary Arts.  This guy in the night class told me about it, and i went and checked it out again this morning and i'm totally gonna look into it more, there is a free information class about it next month I'm totally gonna go to.
So check this out, they sign you up with a hotel or restaurant, hire you for a full time job, so you get paid to learn, and you have one night class a week for 5 hours!!  The only down part i could find was it is a three year course, but you get summers off.  Sweet huh?  Totally down my alley AND they specify in the brochure that they teach you European style cooking techniques, which is what i wanted in the first fucking place!!  AND tuition is only $3,000, plus you get paid!!!  I think it sounds almost too good to be true but i'll find out next month.  So far i meet the requirements, you have to be over 17 (check) have a high school diploma or equivalent of (check) and have at least 6 months experience in food preparation training course (which is what i was taking, plus i already got my "food preparation worker certificate") or job experience (check).  So far so good.  I'm excited about it and i'll defiantly come back here and blog more when i know more.  So i'll have to deal with my current hellish job for a little while longer (hopefully) before i can start my apprenticeship job!!  I can't wait!!!

Hey high and hello! It's about time for me to not be able to fall asleep & to blog again! So since the last time I wrote here I have been keeping up w/ my resolutions so far. I have been watching what I've been eating. No fast food, although a few days after new years I did have a fast food breakfast meal and last week I ate McDonalds French fries w/ my dad. Oh and I had an ice cream cone Sunday night, but I've been doing good I think. When I've been getting sugar cravings I eat jam on toast and it satisfies me. I haven't really been craving any of the bad sugary stuff which I think my smoothies help to curb that craving. I've been sick w/ a cough so I haven't been drinking my green superfood smoothies everyday. Last week I was really feeling no energy and my head and my back hurt from coughing so much. I've been using the coconut oil though and I love it! It gives me a lot of energy and it's been helping my skin a lot cuz you can use it as a lotion too, and you smell like coconut which I like.
I also bought an iPad too and I LOVE it! It's such a cool thingamajig, I think I got my boyfriend jelouse by getting one cuz he's such a technology nerd. I'm actually blogging on it right now, it's awesome!
So my daughter has been engaging in what Dr. John Gray calls "oxytocin inducing activities". Another words she's been shopping a lot. Which is good for me cuz it allows me to get in touch with my feminine side which I've been neglecting for years. Today we went cloths shopping, I got two pairs of jeans, two tops and a pair of boots. We also went by Target for my other daughter to spend her Xmas money, and there I bought new mascara and Sharpies for school.
School has been fun, I had to miss last Tuesday though cuz one my car wouldn't start and two I was sick as a dog. But I did go Thursday, I was still feeling like shit but I'm glad I went. Right now I think school and my family are the only things keeping me sane. My job sucks ass, I hate being there. I'm having the same feelings I had a year ago where I'm like "is this really the best I can do? I know I have more in me than this fucking shit!"
I'm taking a step back and looking at my life in full view and I'm trying to eliminate what is not gaining me anything spiritually or emotionally. My job being #1!
I'm totally motivated at the start of this year, which is how I started last year so that's good. Plus I'm being positive which for me is new. I have to remain positive or I'll fall apart. It's that simple.