Hi.  My vacation so far has been awesome.  I haven't done shit and i'm loving it.  I have been spending a lot of time with my girls though.  We went and saw "Rango" which was really cute, and we went and ate at this awesome pizza place by my moms.  I've been watching quite a lot of movies lately, i bought a blu ray player cuz we have a shit load of blu rays and we'd have no way to watch em, so i got a player for $100 at Best Buy.  Watching movies has taken my mind off of reality and has helped to numb me i guess.  Justin sent me a couple emails talking about our relationship, reflecting on it i guess.  He started reading my Mars and Venus book finally i guess and he's having an "ah ha" moment like i did.  Too little too late unfortunately.  The emails made me sad, he was saying all the things i've been wanting him to say for years and now it's not gonna help anything.  I just keep thinking about him molesting my daughter and i freak out and get so depressed.  I just wish he would tell me why he molested my kid, what in his fucking brain made him do it.  He says he can't tell me right now and i have to wait.  Maybe i'll never find out.  It's been a month now since my daughter disclosed and it's still shocking.  Thinking of him and our life together and having to realize the truth that he was touching my daughter this entire time after i'd leave for work!  And the worst i thought he was doing while i was at work was masturbating to porn!!  I'm still shocked and sad and sick.  Watching some of my tv shows sucks too cuz they talk about the love and support of their husband or wife, and i feel awful cuz i use to have that, and it turned out to be a total betrayal.  Justin has apologized a thousand times to me, but has never explained himself.  He says since he started reading Dr. John Grays book he read some old emails of ours where we had some arguments and he apologized for being an ass.   
Anyway, I am glad that he's finally reading the book and it's opened his eyes, but on the other hand it makes me totally sad cuz i now see that if he just would of read the book like i was asking him to do, it would of helped us.  But he had to be a fucking pedophile and any chance i had at real love and happiness is gone.  I don't want a new boyfriend, i don't want to put my kids through that, i don't wanna have to go through the whole bullshit of dating again.  I hated dating to begin with.  God i feel so cheated, i really thought i had found gold, i thought i had found MY mate, the other half of myself.  And it really felt like it, when i was with him i was the happiest girl in the world, he made me smile, he was my reason for everything.  Aw, fuck, why oh why did he have to molest my kid?  I'm so sad right now...
I have to say though, the emotional support i'm getting from people who never really talked to me much while i was with Justin, and all of a sudden are now, is pretty awesome. I got a cute little text today from one of my friends with a little animation of a stick figure running after a heart and it said "follow your heart", it was stupid but it did make me smile and made me feel a little better. 
Well I'm gonna try and watch another episode of "The Next Great Restaurant" online, it's a stupid ass show and i hate Bobby Flay and Curtis Stone, but i can't sleep and there's no more movies to watch.  See ya later..

My emotions have been better lately, especially now that i'm on vacation and i feel a sense of freedom from having to worry about work.  If there's some positivity out of all of this, my yearning for music has come back to me.  This time i'm not so much into music w/ an angry message but more toward a deeper meaning.  So i've found a new love, don't laugh cuz she kicks fucking ass (some of her songs)... Dolly Parton!!  Yes, my love of old school country is moving from Willie and Waylon and Johnny Cash to the females now.  Back in the day she was so pretty, it really inspires me to concentrate more on my own beauty, ha, what's left of it!  Later this week i plan on finally balling up and going to a salon and having my hair layer cut and getting some highlights.  I'm gonna try and find a place that'll dye it black again and put hot red highlights in it.  It think that'll be cool.  Anyway, here's my girl and my two new favorite songs Jolene and A Coat Of Many Colors, all writen by Dolly herself, her early stuff i have fallen in love with...

I should really be trying to sleep.  But oh well.  The last two days have been better.  Yesterday i hung out with my brother most of the night, that was really nice we giggled our ass off and had fun watching "Psycho".  During the day i had went over to what is now deemed "the house" which is fucked up cuz it use to be "our house" like three weeks ago.  Going back to it absolutely breaks my heart cuz i see that house and i remember all the dreams we had had on what we were gonna do to the house and how excited we were.  We were gonna start to paint the bedroom, thank god i only bought a sampler of the paint and not a whole can!!  Anyway, so me and justin's sister were there packing mine and the girls shit.  It was kinda nice, i got to have a good conversation w/ her about what's going on.  It's kinda weird but me and her were never really that close all these years and now that this tragedy has occurred it's kind of brought us together.  I'm still super paranoid and don't trust anyone, not even the cops who are i'm told "helping me".  I only talked to his mom for a little bit, we hugged and she said to me "we'll get through this", his sister told me their mom is seeing a therapist already, apparently her and her boyfriend also split up, unrelated to what came out about Justin, but she's going through some shit right now too.  I don't trust her either, our first phone conversation after this happened she was telling me not to press charges and that justin "just needs therapy".  Riiight.  I didn't talk to her anymore after that shit.  I haven't talked to the brother or the dad yet, that shit will be super weird.  All of this is too much to take in right now.  Our daughter hasn't asked about him at all, she talks about him sometimes, but just in passing.  I think him not being around might be starting to bother her finally just in the last couple of days.  She's been getting teary eyed about some of the dumbest things, but she tends to do that anyway, so i dunno.  All i've told her is that her dad did a bad thing and we broke up, and i dunno when she's gonna be able to see him again.  I had to sit her down and tell her this shit myself cuz she wasn't asking, even after we had started bringing some of her shit over here to my moms.  The only thing even close was the day my daughter disclosed she wrote me a note before she went to bed asking, "why were you crying in the car?"  And after i told her what was going on w/out telling her everything, she said to me "i know."  and that really freaked me out and i was like, "what do you mean you know?  did your sister say anything to you?" She said no.  So later i asked my other daughter if she had said something to her sister about what was going on and she told me no.  Ever since this shit came out she's been super honest with me and very open, so i believe her.  I guess my 7 year old isn't stupid, i mean she saw me and her sister crying our eyes out, a few days later we start bringing shit of hers to grandmas then i sit her down and tell her that her dad did a bad thing and we can't live w/ him anymore and i dunno when she's gonna get to see him again, i guess she just put it together.  I remember i was 7 when my grandpa committed suicide and we had to drive to their house cuz i guess he had threatened to commit suicide, and i heard my parents talking about it in the car, and i remember when we got there my grandma was in the kitchen and my dad asked where my grandpa was and she said, "he's gone" and my mom said, "what do you mean he's gone" and my grandma made the motion of a gun being fired with her hand to the side of her head.  I mean, i knew what was going on, i wasn't retarded, and i remember i got so mad at my parents cuz i over heard them saying "i don't think she understands what's going on."  So i think that might be the story with my daughter, she may not know the details but she knows we're not living w/ her dad because of something that he did to her sister.  I just dread when she does ask more questions, i have to prepare myself i guess.  Well i better go to sleep now, see ya later...

Today wasn't as great as yesterday.  I hate talking with my parents about this shit.  They are the grandparents and do have a right to know what's going on, but i just hate it.  It's so embarassing and hard to talk about, especially with my mom.  She's all asking me who i trust, god i just wanna yell at her, "i don't trust anyone, are you fucking kidding me, i don't even trust you!" I know she's just trying to be helpful but she's making it harder for me.  I could just cry, i'm so pissed.  I keep thinking about what my daughter said happened to her and trying to picture justin doing this stuff and it just makes me physically sick to picture and think about.  What kind of person does this to a child???  I would of much rather he cheated on me with another woman, this shit is just stuff out of the movies or shit you read about in the paper.  Although i'm excited about going on vacation and not having to worry about work, on the other hand all week i'm gonna have to deal with this. At least at work i can talk with people about things OTHER than this!!  I actually love it, it takes my mind off of the tragedy for a while, and i can laugh and smile for a change.  Tomorrow night i'm gonna open my Godiva liquor and try and relax, maybe play star wars monopoly with my kids.  Hopefully my parents will let me cook.  I'm going back to the scene of the crime tomorrow to get more of our stuff, that's gonna suck, i'm totally not looking forward to it.  Where we're gonna put all of our shit, i dunno.
My poor daughter...nothing for dinner again, just my apple cider vinegar and honey with a glass of water, yum...

You can push me out the window

I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your eighteen wheeler truck
And I won't give a
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your eighteen wheeler but
You can't keep me down


God i feel like such a tard writing in this stupid blog like everyday. It really is helping me to get out my feelings and sort through them. It's the only thing besides my kids, music and my friends and family keeping me sane. So i went to bed last night as down as i could be, listening to Waylon Jennings "I'm A Long Way from Home" and cried myself to sleep again, but i woke up this morning and after dropping the girls off i went to Starbucks and got me some coffee. My first cup of coffee since this whole shit has happened. Then this stupid ass Pink song came on my Ipod, and i remember i use to listen to it back in the day when the lady i work w/ use to piss me off. Man, it gave me a boost of optimism that i desperately needed! Fucking Pink eh? :) No but it had a really good message in it and all of a sudden it was like the clouds cleared and the sun shined through finally. And the coffee i hadn't drank in weeks reminded me why i decided to be a chef in the first place, if it wasn't for my venture into making espresso, my curiosity into learning how to cook would of never of developed. And it was my passion for cooking, that ultimately boosted my low self esteem and brought me out of my depression. Anyway, I also bought the Starbucks bacon breakfast sandwich, and even that was a reminder of why i wanted to be a chef, and it just basically reminded me of my dreams in a nutshell. The sandwich was gross, the ciabatta bun wasn't buttered, the egg tasted like the fucking egg substitute my school used and the bacon was faking bacon. It ultimately made my almost all but lost chef mind start in gear again and i started thinking of what kind of breakfast sandwich i'd make and sell and how much more kick ass it would be. My creativity all of a sudden made an appearance again. It was awesome, i actually felt happy for the first time in weeks!! I still feel this beautiful sense of optimism, i have hope for the first time that i can make it. I can do it, i can make it through this. Yes, i'm gonna have my bad days and i'm gonna cry, i'm gonna feel like shit, but i'm not giving up! God damn it, i've put up with so much bullshit in my life, you wanna throw this shit at me, fuck you!! Your not gonna push me down cuz like Sugar Ray Leonard, i'm gonna get back up and knock you the fuck out! Things right now are bad, but they could be a lot worse. My friend at work the other day pointed out to me i'm lucky as fuck to have my parents, while yes it does suck living w/ them again, but they could not be around and me and my girls could be in a women's shelter right now.
And i thank god for Dr. John Gray, while it didn't save my relationship with Justin, and Justin wouldn't read his books, it sure as hell helped me a lot and the supplements he recommended have really been like a life jacket for me. I stopped taking my 5-HTP, and the last few days i started taking it again, and today i think i'm feeling the effects again, cuz i don't feel like my life is over anymore. Yes, i do have a sense of loss and sadness, it's gonna take me a long time to get over my relationship w/ Justin, i was in love and he deceived me through our whole relationship and he has to reap what he has sown for the rest of his life. The impact of what he has done is just some feelings i'm gonna have to sort through, but i'm not gonna let it stop my life and impose on my goals in life. I have to think of my girls and our future. I have this sudden sense of survivalism and a new found motivation not to give up on what i was gonna do in the first place. It's kinda weird too cuz Justin had sent me and e-mail telling me not to give up on being a Chef, and i just brushed it off cuz i'm so fucking pissed at him and i was frankly insulted. It's hard to think about, but he's right, and it makes me think of the man i was in love w/ and how much i do still love and miss him. what he did is unforgivable and i can never go back to him because my daughter would never forgive me, and she's more important to me than any man will ever be. The man i was in love w/ i have to let go cuz he was molesting my daughter and he stole something sacred in a child that you can never replace. The hurt he's caused to my family, i will let it run it's coarse but i can't let it stop my life.  The day my daughter disclosed this, i was crying and i hugged her and she said to me,"it'll be ok." My 11 year old, who was the victim of this awful crime, telling ME it'll be ok. I think she's much stronger than i could ever dream to be. I wanna make my girls proud of me and if i allow myself to fall into the pit of despair, then misery has won, and i won't let that happen. :) I just wanted to share my happy feelings i found today. Maybe it's delirium, i did only get like 3 hours of sleep last night, hee hee, i dunno. That stupid ass Pink song, who would of guessed eh?

"I'm a long way from home and so all alone
Homesick, like I never thought I'd be
I'm a long way from home and everything is wrong
Someone please watch over me

I'm not accustomed to these feelings
The loneliness is burning in my soul
Sometimes the mind is so misleading
I wish I'd stayed at home like I was told

I'm a long way from home and so all alone
Homesick, like I never thought I'd be
I'm a long way from home and everything is wrong
Someone please watch over me"- Waylon Jennings

I'm praying to check out.  If i were to lose my mind and be locked in a padded room and i'd giggle my ass off thinking i'm somewhere else, that'd be heaven right now.  Anything to escape my reality.  The last couple days have been the worst.  I can't take much more of this shit.  Then this bullshit i'm dealing with everyday and i have to watch the even more bunch of bullshit on the news, i could lose my mind and i'm praying i do.  Constantly every fucking minute of the day i have to deal with the aftermath of the reckless criminal actions of others.  And is justice gonna be served? 
Boy, do i know how to pick em huh?  I go from having a child w/ the biggest most selfish asshole on the planet to having a second child w/ a fucking pedophile!!  Seriously, i'm such a fucking loser.  I'm gonna get my tubes tide so i can't have anymore kids with anymore lunatics.  My next boyfriend will probably turn out to be a murderer.  I just attract chaos and tragedy in my life, and my poor daughter comes from a family on her fathers side that's just cursed with bad luck.  I really never experienced misery until now.
If  i didn't have kids i think i would turn into a drug addict or alcoholic.  Wait, i'm such a retard, if i didn't have kids none of this shit would of ever fucking happened to me!!  I'd probably be in Paris studying culinary arts and having the fucking time of my life!  My brother told me that me and justin were probably meant to be together in another reality where we didn't have kids together.  Maybe that's right, i dunno.  As mad as i am at him, and as disgusted as i am at him, now that he's gone i can't help but feel like a part of me is gone.  It's weird.  Anger is really starting to settle in more than anything else.  Today it's been exactly 3 weeks since my daughter disclosed.  I'm totally proud of her that she overcame the control and fear she was under and came out and finally said something.  The more i think of it the more i think how much of a dumb ass justin was, i mean he really thought my daughter w/ my family blood was really gonna shut up for her whole life and never tell anyone?  My family is FILLED with fuckers who have the biggest mouths and won't shut up for shit.  Not to mention her dad's side of the family, they're filled w/ a cast of characters especially the sister, who was my close friend, and the mom. i remember the grandma and grandpa were devote racists, and when i met them they didn't make any secret of it.  Anyway, i hate talking about that piece of shit too, i just think it's kinda funny looking back on it and seeing how much my boyfriend underestimated my daughter, he thought he had control over her. He did for a long time, she finally had enough.  Fuck, that just kills me how deceptive he was, i really thought he was the one, i've never been so hurt in all of my life. I feel like a theif came and stole everything that meant anything to me. Oh fuck.  Tomorrow is another day, wish me luck.  Top Chef finale tonight, yay, at least i still have my petty little things that make me happy still.  A ham sandwich for dinner...

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  I could pull my fucking hair out, scream in someones face, punch someone in the fucking face, break some fucking glass.  I got big fat beaucrates breathing down my fucking throat, a bunch of fucking wasted tax dollars right in my fucking face everyday.  This is just about the worst part of this entire shit is having these scum of the fucking earth calling me every fucking day, interrupting my sleep i don't get anymore. The system is exactly what i thought it was, i was proven correct, and i'm not surprised.  I feel emotionally drained.  i'm like fucking turning into the Angelina Jolie character in Girl, Interrupted.  I gotta go to the hell pit tonight, i could fucking scream from that shit too.  Now that i need that job more than ever, i hate it more than ever.  Last night i finally got to cook, i made Fetticcini Alfredo for my family, it was awesome, though a very simple dish it made me feel awesome feeding people again.  i gotta keep it together, stay calm for my girls.  No dinner tonight, just green tea. 

Ok, so I wasn't gonna blog about this, in fact thoughts of completely deleting this entire blog went through my head.  11 days ago my entire world crashed around me.  It's kind of appropriate that chaos from the earthquake in Japan is happening right now because that's how i feel about my whole life right now.  Like a nuke site is about to blow up and destroy everything.
My daughter had like a mental breakdown at school and came out and disclosed to a teacher that my boyfriend of 8 years has been molesting her since she was 3 years old.  That's the ENTIRE time we have lived together!!  I didn't want to believe it, in fact when they told me i defended him and said no way, he's not that type of person.  Then my daughter told me everything, and no 11 year old could make up what she told me, in detail, theres no way.  Then the icing on the cake was a text my boyfriend sent saying goodbye basically. After DHS called and told him he couldn't be around the girls anymore, that he was named in a child abuse case, i checked Facebook really fast while i was getting my shit for work, and he had posted a minute after they had called "Game Over."  Nothing more, nothing less, just "Game Over", he later deleted that post, my brother had seen it too and even commented on it, later my brother told me when he saw that he knew in his gut something wasn't right.
Later on talking with him on the phone, he was crying telling me he was sorry and why was i talking to him and didn't i hate him, going on and telling me he's been "better" about it and hasn't done anything in a year, and telling me he was molested as a child. In my mind if he had done nothing wrong why was he apologizing and crying and saying he wanted to kill himself and telling me about his childhood sexual abuse? Why?? It was like meeting him for the very first time, and i thought i knew him pretty fucking well.  Turns out i didn't know him at all.
I landed up getting pretty drunk that night and throwing up in the middle of my parents street and crying my eyes out, making a whole scene in the house at like 2 in the morning crying my eyes out and screaming.  What really triggered all that was a note my 7 year old left for me before she went to bed saying,"why were you crying in the car?  I want you to be happy and play bingo with me mama", i about fucking lost my mind, i had just experienced THE most traumatic event of my entire life and i had to try and keep composure for my kids, especially the one that was molested.  Well, the first night of this, composure wasn't an option.  I called into work completely making a scene and i probably sounded like a lunatic.
It's a nightmare, it's a living fucking nightmare.  I need to blog about this, i need to get my feelings out or i think i will go crazy, or even more crazier than i already feel.
More than anything i feel horrible for my daughter, she's gonna have so many fucking "daddy" issues it's not even funny.  Her real dad hasn't been around, and now her step dad was sexually traumatizing her.  Fuck he traumatized me and i wasn't the one he sexually violated.  I can't even imagine dealing with that shit at her age, when i was 11 sex was the LAST thing on my mind, jacking off a grown mans penis at the age of 9, i mean seriously??  Being touched like that by a grown man who is suppose to be your father figure??  My poor baby, she was scared to death!! 
I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me, i was SO in love with him.  The self esteem issues this raises for myself is a fucking mountain to overcome right now.  How fucking hideous am i that a fucking 3 year old looks good enough to fondle?  And this shit has nothing to do with me gaining some weight, he was doing this shit when i was a size 5, i mean the man is sick.  this explains why when we weren't having sex for like a year and a half why he didn't say anything about it, cause he was getting his jollies off on my fucking baby girl!!!
I mean, this has fucked up my mind to the point where i will need therapy for the REST OF MY LIFE.  I will have trust issues with men FOREVER!  The man i was with i trusted with my life and my children, you can't get more trusted than that.  Looking back on it, i now know why he had trust issues with me.  One of our last fights he was yelling at me and blaming me for snooping on him on his computer, when that wasn't true at all, and now i know why he was so paranoid.  He was afraid i'd come across his sickass secret.
And all of our mutual friends that claimed to have been my "friend" are now showing their true colors.  NO ONE has called me to ask how me and my daughter are doing, with the exception of one.  No one.  I have never felt so alone in all of my life.  Everyone seems to want to be hush, hush about it when that's what caused this sick fucking shit to begin with.  If my boyfriend had came to me and had been honest with me in the beginning and told me he had been molested as a child and was having these feelings and thought he needed therapy, i would of supported him.  But he chose to keep it a secret and to act out on his feelings using my daughter as his test subject. 
I'm pissed, i'm pissed off at the world, i'm sad, there isn't a day that goes by that i don't cry my fucking eyes out, i'm mad at myself that my daughter didn't think she could come to me and tell me.  I'm sick of people looking at me with this look of "oh that poor girl" look on their fucking face, i'm sick of people asking how i'm fucking doing.  I just found out the love of my life was fucking molesting my daughter for 8 years while i was at work at night, how the fuck do you think i feel?!?!   I'm fucking traumatized!!!
And just recently in the past 6 or 7 months after i discovered he was flirting with a 20 something girl on Facebook, i decided not to let the news of the world affect me so much and let it get me so angry because i obviously needed to get my OWN house in order before i tried to change the world.  And look what was going on in my own house, to my child, while i was at work making money to support my family.  Look what was going on.  I feel like such a dumbass, i feel like such a failure as a mom, i feel like a failure as a girlfriend.  Where did i go wrong that a baby was chosen over me sexually?  The man i fell in love with turned out to be preying on my helpless innocent daughter, and stealing her innocence from her.  I look at her in a totally different light now.  My heart breaks for her, she shouldn't have to be dealing with this adult bullshit at the age of 11!! 
I can't do my apprenticeship now cause i will have court dates i gotta go to, and what happens if my kids get sick i'm gonna need my insurance through my job i fucking hate.  Tomorrow is the day i was suppose to go to the orientation for my apprenticeship and now that was stolen from me, because of my boyfriends sick fucking fetish for little kids.  I'm living with my parents again, which is a fucking nightmare for me!!  It was a dream come true for me to get the hell out of their house, and now here i am back with them with two kids i gotta raise alone now, one of em with mental issues the size of fucking China and she's not even a teenager yet.  Maybe even with therapy she has a good chance of becoming an alcoholic, a drug addict, she could go on to molest kids herself cause she grew up seeing that as normal.  I mean she is so mentally fucked up now, i'm scared for her future.  But hopefully she'll overcome it through therapy and none of those horrible things will happen to her.  But i gotta face the facts that that shit is a possibility.  I have to put my life on hold, i was doing so good, i was bettering myself, i was living the dream, and now i have to start my whole life over again.
My passion for food and cooking has diminished quite a bit, i haven't cooked since this happened.  Well, i did cook hamburgers for the girls one night but it wasn't the same.  I felt like the fire in me has died.  I haven't been eating, the feeling of a hungry empty stomach seems to dull my mental pain, i've lost 6 pounds in the first 5 days of this coming out.  I wanted to lose weight but not in this way.  I kinda like the feeling of being dizzy from not eating, i feel like if i pass out i'll forget all this fucking shit for a little while.  Even when i sleep i dream about this shit, i see him.  It's a lot to deal with because the Justin i knew and fell in love with, i still love and care about A LOT, but i'm having to deal with the reality of who he really is and what he did to my daughter and the fact that he stabbed me in the back and betrayed me and my daughter.  He was my best friend, not only did i lose my love but i lost my best friend.
I wish i could wake up tomorrow and i'll be back in our bed and all of this would have been a horrible nightmare, he'll walk through the bedroom door and we'll look at each other like we did and giggle like we did, but i'm not and it's not and this is what i'm dealing with right now, this is my reality.  Fucking sucks.  Fucking sucks...