So, tomorrow is the start to the rest of my life.  I start my orientation for Whole Foods tomorrow!  I'm excited!  So rather then go on here and bitch and moan and "whoa is me" like normal, i feel a tremendous amount of push tonight.  I'm so proud of myself that i finally pushed myself to finally quit the job i was stuck in for years and absolutely hated, and now i'm starting fresh and new, getting ready to do something i love and get paid to do it.  I have goals, and a lot for myself and my kids now.  I mean, i had goals for myself before it came out Justin was molesting my daughter, but now i feel i have more drive and determination to reach my goals.  I'm just mad at myself that it took this awful truth coming out to push me over the edge to finally leave my horrible job.  It paid really well, but i wasn't happy.  I can not begin to tell u how tickled pink i am that i don't have to go and hang tags tomorrow night! 
I have already accomplished so much in just getting a Chef's position at Whole Foods, but i really want to do everything i always wanted to do.  I have drive to get my Jeep Liberty i've always wanted, fix up my Mustang, buy a place for myself and my girls with a kitchen just as kick ass as the one we had, only better!
I've already made baby steps towards my immediate goal of moving out of my moms. I bought my very first desk top computer (and i LOVE it!), i have my very own HD t.v., although small at least i have one when before i didn't, i have my own Blu-Ray player, i have my own printer/scanner/copier, my red couch i always wanted and now it's MINE, with a cool coffee table/box i got at Hobby Lobby.
Reminds me of that Pink song "Lonely Girl".  Well, i'm gonna make it happen.  Everything i always wanted to do when I was with Justin, and everything i've set out for myself now that he's gone, i'm gonna push so hard to make it become a reality. In a sad and weird way, i know that's what he would want me to do, and not to hold myself back because of his dumbass choices in life.
I will not let this tragedy keep me down.  Anyway, wish me luck for the next few days!

Tried laying down to fall asleep and that wasn't happening.  So my last day at Safeway was Wednesday.  It was strange, no one really knew it was my last night, just a few people.  Clocking out for the last time and walking out of the store was like a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders.  I drove home with a smile.  I start my new job Tuesday, so i have some days off which will be nice.  I won't get any PTO for a while. 
My daughter's therapy appointment was today and she asked me to sit in on it again.  It was hard as usual, she talked about abuse that occurred when she was really little, like kindergarten age.  It was upsetting to hear, but i remained composed and supportive for my daughter.  At least she didn't break down this time talking about it, you can tell she's become more comfortable with the therapist and can talk about it easier now.  This whole thing is so difficult, i don't know how i'm ever gonna make it through this.  At least i don't have to go to Safeway anymore, where i was this whole time while this shit was going on.  I swear after finding out, going into work was almost unbearable.  Now i'm opening a new chapter of my life and i can begin to move on. 
I feel so sorry for my daughter, hearing her talk about what happened to her today was depressing.  I feel like he robbed her of having a real happy childhood.  Surprisingly she says she has no problem trusting people now!  Shit, i'm the exact opposite!  That has me a little concerned because he was basically her father figure, but from the therapy she made it sound like she never really looked to him as a father figure. 
I guess you wouldn't look to the man living with you who is sexually abusing you every night your mom is gone, as a father figure.  It was just surprising to hear that.  The whole session was weird cuz she talked about what he would promise her if she did what he was asking her to do (and it totally sounded like some shit justin would bribe her with) and then he wouldn't come through with what he told her he'd give her.  It was very upsetting to hear about the abuse when she was really little, frankly it just made me more mad. 
We talked about what we would say to justin if we could, and i came out and said that i've been talking with him and talked about how apologetic he has been, and that he's in therapy now. 
Well, i had to say how i really felt and this is how i really feel, i feel that he's more sorry that he had got caught.  I honestly believe if my daughter would have never said anything, he would of kept right on abusing her.  It took her bravery of coming out and telling to finally get him to stop, she had said he offered her money the night before she disclosed, to take pictures of her and she refused.  Some mental break must of happened cuz the very next day she came out and told on him, and he lied to me over the phone and told me he hadn't done anything to her in a year.  Well, that turned out to be a big fat lie, on top of the years and years of lies he carried out. 
I'm really upset if you couldn't tell.  Please let me make it through this, it's so fucking difficult, i feel like my heart is gonna explode out of my chest. 
Well, i took some melatonin and i think it's starting to kick in.  Gotta try and start being with the day people now, it's weird!  See ya later..

Please let me find the strength to make it through this difficult time in my life. The man I loved lied and betrayed me, now I'm left to pick up the shattered pieces he broke. he had no respect for the mental well being of my daughter or myself. I just want a normal life for me and my kids again. Please give me the courage to face the unknown future that lies before me. I face lots of changes and new beginnings, please don't let me be scared. I'm trying to be positive, it's something I'm not use to. Please don't let me fuck up my new job, I worked so hard to get to this point (I needed a little kick in the ass to get here, but I'm here)
I was watching "The War Of The Roses" the other night and it had a line in it that really hit home, "just when you think you have it all figured out, something comes along that knocks you right on your ass." fuck, if that ain't the story of my life!
Gotta try to sleep...

I feel very pissed off.  I feel like the last 8 years of my life were a huge deception.  I'm being shown the truth of what has gone on for years and it's fucking pissing me off.  What did i do to deserve this pile of shit that happened?  How did i land up with such a sick guy?  I know i shouldn't be blaming myself and i'm not really, everyone was fucking shocked over this shit.  I heard a line from a movie the other night that stuck with me "just when you think you got it all figured out something comes along to knock you on your ass."  Man, that should be the fucking motto of my life!  I'm looking back over the years of my life in a totally different light, now that i've been shown an ugly truth.  I need to take my supplements, the shit i heard today come out of my daughters mouth was like a punch in the stomach.  She did really good, her therapist said it's been the first day that she really got to open up in front of me.  She confronted me on a few things that she had been feeling when we still lived with Justin. She felt that i should have known about it because he was my boyfriend.  She said she had thoughts that if i had found out about it and her fear was that i'd be ok with it and wouldn't care.  She said she knew i'd be mad, but she was afraid that i wouldn't care that it was going on.  She also said she felt that i favored her sister over her. 
It was a lot and i of coarse responded truthfully and apologized for being so wrapped up in my relationship with Justin, and trying to fix that while she needed me and i didn't even realize it.  It is true, i was wrapped up in my own shit from my depression to learning how to cook.  I can see how this went on for years w/out me even having a suspicion that anything was going on. 
She felt that i should have known Justin was going to molest her and i should have protected her.  I had to explain that everyone trusted Justin, no one had any suspicion of him being a child molester. 
It over all was a good session, but i left feeling very mad at Justin again.  He's fucked with my child emotions and her mental health.  It pisses me off to have to sit there and listen to her describe what was happening to her, and to hear how she mentally coped with it while it was happening.  It's much like a rape in a lot of ways, cuz the victim mentally shuts down in the same way my daughter was describing.
I was interested in psychology to begin with before this happened but now that i'm having to go to therapy sessions with someone who has been through traumatic shit i recognize some things i have read about on my own.  It's weird.  If i didn't go into cooking, i would of went into psychology cuz i think it's fascinating how the brain works.  Little did i know i was living with a very mentally disturbed individual.  That's scary.
I think i need to go to sleep, gotta get up early tomorrow, hope it's not windy again. 

Good news! Whole Foods hired me!! Right now they're calling my references & they have to run a back ground check on me, but it's pretty much in the bag! I gave Safeway my 2 week notice, my last day is the 18th! Yay me! The lady I work with didn't look too thrilled. Every one else I've told has congratulated me but her. I fully wasn't expecting her to be happy for me, right away she was like, "this is actually pretty bad, my vacations are next month." whatever.
When I told my store manager she was happy for me & told me her son is a manager at Whole Foods & that they're a good company and I'll do well with them.
Anyway, so I'm excited about my new venture in life.
On the other hand Justin came and read this blog again and freaked out like he did before. Guess he didn't like my last post! I dunno why he's coming here and reading this when he molested my kid for 8 years, what does he expect to read? I kinda feel sorry for him but, and I even told him this in my reply to his e-mail, the more we go to my daughters therapy sessions & the more I find out what he was doing to her, the harder it is for me to want to talk to him. So we pretty much came to a mutual agreement not to talk to each other anymore. After the last therapy session I left so fucking pissed off at him cuz I have to sit there and see how hurt my little girl really is. She came out and was asking questions about the whole legal process of all this, and even asked if what Justin did was illegal. The therapist told her yes, and asked if she wanted him to go to jail for what he did to her, and she answered yes. It was rough. In the next session the therapist wants her to tell me MORE about what Justin was making her do! Jesus, it's gonna suck but it'll be good for her to get it out, especially to me.
Our relationship has gotten a whole lot better since she disclosed. I feel a lot closer to her, and feel a little guilty that I was so wrapped up in my relationship with Justin all these years, that I was kind of putting her a side. When she hugs me now, she actually hugs me, which makes me so happy! Before she would always give me fake hugs, ya know not really hugging me just kinda putting one arm around me and that's it. Now it's a real hug, and she even tells me she doesn't want me to go to work, when she never did before, it was always my younger daughter that said that to me.
Oh that reminds me. So I asked the therapist her thoughts on why my younger daughter never asks about Justin. She talks about him, but she never asks "where's my dad, why can't I see my dad?" it really has me worried, so I asked her what she thought. And she told me she just thinks that my daughter may have known what was going on w/ Justin and my other daughter! She said when she talked to the county human services lady about our case, the human services lady told her nothing happened to my younger daughter, but she wouldn't be surprised if she knew about what was happening to her sister! As far as my daughter (the one who was being molested) knows, she says her sister didnt know what was going on. But I can't imagine when this was happening, Justin putting the younger one to bed and allowing the older one to stay up so he could do this sick shit to her, and my younger daughter not getting out of bed to see what her sister was doing, and why she got to stay up. Man, it's just fucking crazy, I still can't believe he was doing this. It really pisses me off.
The therapist tried calling the detective during the last session but of coarse it went to his voice mail. I'm pretty scared for the next session, the minute my daughter talks about it, she breaks down crying. God it hurts me so much to see how much this has affected her mentally. I do like being able to be open with my daughter in these sessions and letting her know how guilty I feel and how if I had known I would of taken her out of that situation a long time ago.
It's brought us closer and that makes me happy.
Well I should try to go to sleep. See ya later...

Whoo, finally some nights off. Things are strange in my world. So I've been talking w/ Justin, still only through texts, I refuse to call him up on the phone cuz if I hear his voice I think I'll have a mental break or something. I think I might have been suffering from a little bit of stolkholm syndrome. For a while there I felt sorry for him, even was scared for him a little bit. now it's more of disgust. When I talk w/ him I'm nice to him...I know, I shouldn't be. I get mad when I look back on our relationship and the times he'd get mad at me for some shit, and make me feel like the worst girlfriend, all the while he was molesting my kid. God it pisses me off. Not to mention how creeped out I feel when I think that I lived with this guy for years and he was a sick fuck all the while. I thought back to the time we had to take my daughter to the emergency room cuz we thought she had broke her elbow, turned out it was nothing but at the time she was freaking out. In remember sitting in the waiting area & Justin was holding her, trying to comfort her, and I remember at the time thinking, "oh how nice he's being so fatherly." now I think back to that shit and it totally creeps me out knowing what I know now what he had been making her do.
I just want the cops to get the ball rolling on this, I haven't heard shit in like a month. The county human services is doing more than the fucking cops! I would call the detective on Monday, but I'm afraid if there's any bad news it'll ruin my mojo for my interview that day. It just is so frustrating nothing is happening, my kid was molested for christs sake!
I know justin's in therapy, which is good I guess, I think he's doing it so it'll look good to the judge when the time comes. When I talked w/ my friend Jason who works as a case worker in a federal prison he said even w/ him doing therapy it won't matter in the end once it comes to sentencing. Unless he has a really good lawyer, he was telling me. I dunno, at this point I've heard so many different things. I bought and am thumbing through a book about what happens and how to mentally cope after your kid has been molested. It's pretty good and has helped to bring some things to light the little bit I've read.
All I can do is live day to day and most of all hope I get that Whole Foods job. The girl who interviewed me said eventually I will probably go full time, when I applied on line it said the position was part time. On the Whole Foods website it says 80% of their employees are full time. I just wanna start racking in the money so I can move out of my moms. We're all settled in and ive gotten use to being back home, it's still surreal though. Well I should try and get some sleep. See ya...