Hi. I should really try and sleep but I'm not really all that sleepy right now. Things are difficult. In two days it's my daughters birthday. The impact of the very reality that her father could be going to prison soon has hit me. It pisses me off, it makes me think he didn't give a shit what the consequences of his actions would bring. When we were still talking he said he wanted me to remember all the good things he did for us, I told him I do, that's what makes the reality of what he was really doing all that more shocking.
I watched an episode of "Intervention" tonight, and this girl was addicted to heroin and she was molested as a child for several years. It broke my heart, I cried during it. My relationship with my daughter has gotten a lot better since she disclosed, I have to say. She like wants to do things with me now, sometimes she even calls me "mommy" which she has never done. Going and sitting with her in therapy I think has helped us a lot.
I think I've been numbing my broken heart with compulsive shopping. I really need to cut it out. I've spent like $400 in the last month of savings just on clothes and Bath & Body Works, Victorias Secret, I even bought a new iPod. then like a week later the iPod my mom washed in the washer that I thought broke came back to life.
Working my new job I suffered a pretty big pay cut, and we get paid every two weeks instead of every week like I've been used to. My very first check was kind of a shock. It was as much as I made in a week at Safeway! Let me tell ya, this Friday isn't coming quick enough! I gotta get use to trying to stretch my money for 2 weeks. My brother laughed at me and said, "welcome to the real world".
Well, I should really try to sleep. Back to work tomorrow.

I'm having one of my emotional spats again. My parents are having a garage sale tomorrow & I was going through my stuff (which has been in boxes this whole time) and it was upsetting. Seeing all my things and remembering where they were in the house, remembering the life I had. I just wanted to cry. I feel like things will never be "normal" again. I'm so sick of living with my parents I could throw up. My diet has taken a nose dive, I haven't gained any weight (knock on wood!) but it hasn't helped my self esteem any. Finding out the man u loved was choosing your child over you tends to break a woman's view of herself unfortunately. I started working out on my treadmill tonight. Only took me 3 months to crawl out of the depression I fell in & to look at it again and say,"oh yeah, I had bought that for a reason." I felt great after,now I just gotta keep up with it, and hopefully no more Jabba The Hut for me. I've still been downing my apple cider vinegar everyday, recently started doing my green superfood smoothies again too. I notice a difference when I don't do either one for a day too. I should really start eating the food they have me make at work, but a lot of it grosses me out! :-D seriously vegetarian rabbit food! I can't eat like that, I need meat!
Anyway, I feel better now that I blogged a little, god I was feeling horrible before.
My friend from Safeway was sending me texts the other night bitching about work and my former boss! :) I feel sorry for her, I can say I feel a lot better about work now that I'm not working there. It defiantly was a hostle work environment the way my boss intimidated certain people. She said she loved her job, but now that I'm actually around people who REALLY love their jobs, the difference is like night and day. Nobody really complains where she bitched NONE STOP! Come to think of it everyone at Safeway complained all the time. I've only been at my new job for 3 weeks now but everyone seems really happy.
So anyway, my friend got pretty much stuck with my old job when she told them she didn't want it. They don't seem to care from what she told me. I feel sorry for her, she said she wants to look for a new job now! She was asking when my days off are so we could hang out, I'll probably take her up on that, I get SO bored sitting around here, plus it'll be cool to see her again. Well my daughter has her therapy appointment in the morning so I gotta get some sleep. My younger daughters 8th birthday is next Thursday, that should be interesting, we'll see how that shit goes...wish me luck eh?

Oh geez, someone slap me. I can't stop crying. I feel like I did in the beginning. Does it ever get better? When will I be able to get on with my life without crying every fucking day? I feel like I owned the world and now I have nothing. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I have good days and bad, today was really bad. Of coarse it comes at bed time when my mind is running a million miles an hour. I hope tomorrow is better. I got to get to sleep, I gotta get up at 4 in the morning for work. Wish me luck eh?

Hey, high and hello! Just got home from work like half hour ago. Finished out my first week, it's awesome so far. Their payroll work weeks are different, it's Mondays through Sundays. It's weird, I haven't heard one person complain about their job yet, or the company for that matter. At my old job that's all you heard was people bitching about Safeway or bitching about being there. So far I'll give it to Whole Foods, they know how to make their employees happy. Going to culinary school did pay off in some ways cuz I know how to use a lot of the equipment already, and just the p's and q's of the kitchen basically.
I haven't really talked about myself a whole lot with my new co-workers. Really the only thing I've said is that I worked for Safeway for 11 years and that I have two kids.
I'm dreading when someone will ask about my love life. I think all I'll say is,"it's complicated." telling anyone about what's happened is so painful. I miss Justin a lot, talking with him. Now that he's been arrested I got a letter from the DA's office saying I can have no contact with him. It's probably better that way, talking with him was so painful. Last we talked it was through e-mail and he was asking if I'd call him on the phone. I told him no, like I've said before if I heard his voice I think I'd have some sort of mental break. I'm so dreading when I'm gonna have to see him in court, I just know I'll start to cry. I miss so much laughing with him, talking with him, having someone to come home to. Living with my parents again just adds to the depression. They've been awesome adjusting their whole house to let me and the girls live here, but I can't help but feel like I'm intruding. Not to mention feel like a teenager again living here!
Anyway, I was Jamba Juice last weekend and a song was playing there that reminded me of Justin, so I sent him a text saying I missed him & I hoped he was ok. I can't help it, the person I loved and knew I miss terribly. Then when I get to my daughters therapy and hear about the person who terrorized her for years, it's like we're talking about two different people. It's really scary, you think u know someone and it turns out u don't. I know deep down he's a good person, but hearing the details of what he did to a child brings doubts. I definatly miss having a boyfriend. I watched "Gnomeo & Juliet" w/ my kids yesterday and it was so hard to watch cuz of the whole fucking love story! In was bored and watched "Home Fries" with Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson, another fucking love story, it was funny up until the end when the whole love part of it came up, then it just made me cry.
I can't help but feel like I'm never gonna find someone who will treat me and my kids good. Who's gonna want to be with an over weight woman with two kids, both of which have dads with fucked up back grounds? And separate dads to top it off!
Oh I gotta stop being so pessimistic, I have negative thought I'll invite negativity into my life. Well, I'm gonna try to go to bed. Night...

I feel a giant sense of loss. My new job is bitter sweet. I'm wondering if all this stuff about Justin had never come out, would I still of had the determination to leave Safeway? I was working on trying to leave Safeway but it was really finding out what had been happening all these years while I've been at work that made me say,"this place is a cancer, and fuck you, I'm gonna find somewhere else to go, goodbye."
And here I am, doing what I love.
I feel like I could cry, Justin said he was proud of me when he found out I got the Whole Foods job. I wish I could share my happiness w/ him, but I can't. I keep telling myself that he did this to himself, that he made his bed.
Last Thursday the cops arrested him while he was at work. The legal system is pushing forward & time for judgement for the crimes he's committed all these years is coming.
I know this sounds weird but I'm not looking forward to it at all. He's the father of my child, he was the love of my life, finding out he molested my kid and now there's a good chance he'll go to prison and now my second child will be w/out a father devastates me.
The county case worker was really on my ass if I'll let him see our daughter, she made it sound like if I said yes she'd take my kids from me. So I said no. I really want Justin to be able to see his daughter but at this point I don't trust him enough for the two of them to be alone. It would HAVE to be supervised visitation. I don't want my second child to be w/out a dad, but what do I do? He's a child molestor for fucks sake!!
I'm so fucking mad, I should be happy and enjoying my new job, but here I am worrying about this sick shit!! I'm like SO happy at work, and then I get off and I come back to my shitty reality of a personal life!
All I can say is I'm glad for the people that are there for me. I didn't realize how much people cared about me till this tragedy came to the surface.
I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I just want to be happy and to have someone who will love me and never hurt me OR my children. I thought Justin was that person, that's what kills me. I've never been so broken hearted.
I really feel sorry for our daughter, she knows she hasn't been able to see her dad because of some bad things he did to her sister. She said for Fathers day she made a card for my brother instead. On her calendar under Fathers Day she wrote, "I don't have Dada" god, it tears me up, I could fucking cry!! That fucking dumb ass, what the fuck was he thinking?!? Did he think about what his sick fucking actions would do to his child, not to mention my child, the one he molested? Jesus, this makes me cry, and makes me mad. I should be happy about my new job, but here I am dealing with this shit.
Well, I've been working 5 a.m. to 1 p.m. shifts and I have tomorrow off, and I'm ready to crash out! See ya, thanx for listening...

P.S.
Oh yeah, my friend from Safeway texted me the other night & said the girl who replaced me already quit!! Ha, ha, I'm loving it!! :-D