So when I first found out about Justin molesting my daughter, I immediately searched on line for message boards of women who have children who have been molested. I found a wonderful site right away and have been visiting it ever since. A few days ago I finally got up the courage to post my own story. I got some responses and am even "pen paling" a woman who's story is very similar to mine. She was married, had two girls, one from a previous relationship (the one who was molested) and a child she had w/ her husband. She said my story made her cry because our daughters who were not molested are the same age. Only this happened to her four years ago and her husband is in prison with a term of 130 years or some shit like that! So when her daughters father left out of her life she was only four years old. My daughters eight and her dad all of a sudden just disappeared. She says she hasn't told her daughter anything about why her dad isn't around, unlike me I have told my daughter a little why he's not around. It's so nice to finally be able to talk to another person this has happened to. Posting my story was the best thing yet. This woman and her kids live in Pennsylvania, she said her ex husband had molested his ex wife's daughter too, and she was called to testify during the trial. She said her daughter was on the witness stand for an hour and a half!! She said the whole thing was a nightmare cuz he denied all of it, and still does.
Anyway, I just wanted to post my good news about my new found friend who's gone through this nightmare too. I have to get ready for work. See ya...

So today i bought a desk for my desk top finally.   Before when i'd get on i had my keyboard & my monitor on top of my box of storable food.  It was kinda cheap, got it at Bed Bath and Beyond, but hey, it's SO much better than having to sit on the floor!  I feel like my life is slowly but surely starting to come together w/out Justin in my life.  I'm still very sad and heart broken over all of this, but i gotta keep my sanity together for my kids, they're looking to me for strength to get through this and i got to show that everything is gonna be ok.  I'm slowly working my way up till i can get my own place, i can't wait for the day when that happens.  Work is going good, still getting to get to know everyone. There's a lot of new people coming on, so i don't feel so alone.  There's about four new people who started in the last two weeks. I'm really bad with names.  There's this one girl who talks to me a lot, and i still don't know her name, but she is really sweet and super nice. She came in to where i was working and gave me a sample of macadamia nut gelato. She said she's gonna take me for a "gelato break" one of these days coming.  She's already asking when i work next, it's actually really nice making friends again, it's taking my mind off of the fucked up things Justin was doing to my daughter.
There's this one guy i work with who i get along with pretty well, we're about the same age and listen to the same music pretty much.  He had his ipod on and Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson came on, and i got so happy!  Then i had my ipod on one day and he's was all impressed.
The girl i talk to a lot and him apparently like each other and arranged to go on a date, but the guy never followed through with it, so the other day she was all asking me advice on what she should do.  It was funny, apparently she's only 19, which makes perfect sense to me now that i've gotten to know her, she really is kinda immature.  It's cute though, a little "office romance" i got the scoop on! :)
Anyhow, just wanted to post about my new computer desk, i'm real happy about it. My dad helped me and my daughters put it together.  I probably could of put it together myself, but he wanted to help, it was nice doing stuff with my dad and the girls.  
I'm slowly starting to get together everything i need for when i finally move out.  Some of the major stuff i think i've gotten out of the way, like the t.v., the couch.  I still need a table, some chairs.  It'll all come together, i'll really worry about that stuff later, right now i only have so much space to put stuff.  It's weird, i literally am rebuilding my whole life with 2 kids now, all by myself.  It sucks i'm not gonna lie!  Well, don't dwell on the negative, with every dark night there is a bright day right?  Well it's almost 2 in the morning and i should go to bed.  Gotta work the next 3 days, then i got the next 3 days off.  They had me working full time, then cut my hours this week.  Oh well, what are you gonna do?  See ya....

Hey. So Father's day and my daughter's birthday have come and gone. Now today is the 4th of July.  Father's day was bizarre, i had a friend text me a Happy Father's day message, of coarse he knows all i've been through the last four months.  My daughter's birthday was very difficult emotionally for me.  I thought my heart would explode, but it turned out fine. She was happy, didn't ask about her dad (which i was glad) but she was happy.  I took her and her sister out to a trampoline place and they bounced their little hearts out, then later i took them out to eat at Chili's. 
So i have to go to Justin's court date on the 28th and testify.  I'm fucking pissed and nervous as fuck about going.  The DA's victim advocate told me they only need me for a short while.  I hope so, cuz this shit fucking sucks!  The DA i guess wants to talk to me too to see what i would like to see come of this case.
 As time goes by and i think about what justin did more and more, the more pissed i get at him.  There towards the end of our conversations through text and e-mail w/ each other he kept trying to tell me to think of all the good he did and what a good person he really is.  Guilt i guess on his part, part of his therapy to not dwell on the crime he committed and to help get out of his depression by looking at the good he has done in his life. 
i dunno, i'm still shocked.   He went to his first court appearance on the 24th, the day after our daughter's birthday, and they gave him a Mandatory Protection Order to not have any contact with my daughter, and ANYONE under the age of 18 (which obviously includes our daughter) and he can have no Internet access except for business purposes.  I guess his lawyer fought for that cuz of Justin's job, but the DA's victims advocate told me the DA wants to fight that because it's hard to monitor that. 
When i let my brother know about that he got really pissed all over again.  I did too actually.  Especially with the no Internet thing, that must mean the cops found shit on his computer when they took it if they want to have him have NO Internet access.  Well the sick fuck was taking naked pictures of my daughter since she was like 4!!  Anyway, so my brother was going to come with me to court but it turned out he has a court date the same fucking day for his car accident he got into a month or so ago.  He was mad, he told me he doesn't want me to go through this shit alone.  I appreciate it, but i've felt nothing but alone since this came out.
It makes me so mad to think about.  He must have known that he wouldn't be allowed to see his daughter again!  I remember the night this came out, talking to him over the phone he was crying and i remember hearing him say "oh my baby girl!"  Cuz he KNEW that he would not be allowed to see her anymore!  God it makes me so fucking mad, now i'm responsible for 2 girls all by myself. 
On the 20th he also went to court over the child support i filed for, and they ordered him to pay me $584.00 a month!!  That'd be sweet if he wasn't facing prison time.  What good does that order do me if he's in fucking jail?   I think when the DA asks me what i would like to see, i'll probably tell her i think he should go to jail for every year that he molested my daughter.  That would be 7 years at least, she says this went on from the time she was 4. The thought of him even going to jail doesn't comfort me, but he is the biggest criminal i know right now, THE BIGGEST!  A worse crime than what he did in my mind is murder.  I didn't like child molesters before this shit came out about him and my feelings have not changed, he needs to go to jail.  You can't just fuck with a little girl for 7 plus years and have no fucking jail time. 
But on the positive side of things, the legal aspect of this is moving pretty fast.  My daughter's therapist even commented that the case is moving really fast in her experience.  And after visiting these message boards with these poor women (some men too) who's kids have been raped or molested and they talk about how long the legal system is and how frustrated they are is very heart breaking.  Well, the entire site is very heart breaking, it's not like it's a happy subject to begin with.  I remember this one poor woman was on there bitching because it had been 7 months since a police report was filed and nothing was happening, the investigation was going really slow. 
I haven't gone to therapy.  I can through victims compensation and get some free therapy out of it, but i just don't think i have the time.  They got me working full time at work now.  I'm liking it a lot, still getting to know a lot of people on our "team" as Whole Foods likes to call it.  Some people are kinda hard to read, like this one guy who has been working closing with me, i think he doesn't like me cuz i get to leave at 10:30 while some of them still have to stay and clean.  Hey man, it's not my fault they scheduled me till 10:30.  I dunno, maybe it's just my insecurities coming a float, cuz i've heard nothing but bitching and moaning from this guy about fucking everything, i think he's the one person i've met so far who doesn't seem to like their job.  Other than that one guy, everyone is nice.  There's this one girl who is really nice to me, always talks to me, she kinda looks like my old best friend from high school only with black hair instead of blond.  I don't know her name though, i feel bad! Although i don't think she knows mine either! 
Another reason why i'm loving work is, i'm starting to get the hang of it, and i kinda know what i'm doing now, so when i'm there i don't have to think about how Justin traumatized me and my daughters!!!  I'll probably blog in here before the 28th, but if i don't... wish me luck eh?  See ya....