Wow, reading that last post was crazy. I was all happy and in love with life...well happiness doesn't always last does it? LOL So things are a little different for me now almost five months later. Still have not made a placement with my recruiting. I have six recruiters working under me, 2 have been along for the ride for the last four months and they have not landed a single placement either. I love the work don't get me wrong, it's just what my dear cousin failed to tell me is that it takes time to place these people! My one friend who I worked with at Whole Foods and who I felt sorry for because he got fired for bullshit reasons and I got him on board with the recruiting gig with my cousin...well, he landed up turning into backstabbing asshole. We went out one night, a couple nights before Xmas and got REALLY drunk and we landed up sleeping together, and after that he got all crazy! He wouldn't reply to my emails about work, he never reported into me what he had been doing with his candidates all week. Then my cousin calls me and says that he called him and told him,"I don't know how to handle Cristal. I can't work with her." So my cousin let him leave my team and recruit solo, but I'd still get a cut of whatever commissions he makes cause i recommended him. I got SO pissed and sent him a text saying,"You should have been man enough to come to me with whatever the fuck it was that was bothering you, and not take it to my fucking family. You are a little fucking man, and karma is going to come and bite you in the ass" or something to that extent. The sex wasn't even good anyway, he had the smallest dick I've ever seen in my life, it was fucking awful!!
Anyway, so speaking of sex. I landed up going to California to see Cory finally. It was really nice, he was a sweet heart. We had sex of coarse, that was the whole reason I went out there. It was ok, not the best sex I've ever had, just like my friend Nina warned me, Cory has a small dick too, so it was kinda disappointing, but I liked it. lol I came home and got all crazy emotional. As the days went by and I let it sink in, i realized that i kind of have feelings for Cory. I cried a lot, cause it's an impossible situation, he's in California, I'm here in Colorado. So to try and get over Cory I started on line dating. Fucking stressful shit man! I came across some creepy guys man, met some nice ones. I didn't do it for very long, maybe like 2 weeks till i decided to take down my profile. I decided to stop chasing men. My whole life I've done that, and i decided to just give in to fate, let go, and see what destiny has in store for me. I couldn't move on without telling Cory how I felt though. I sent him a message on FB telling him how I felt. He didn't reply, which is fine, i told him in my message he didn't have to, i just needed to get it off my chest. Seeing pics of him on FB kills me though, i do really like him, it sucks to think about and i try not to. It got to the point where i even started reading Eat Pray Love, which is awesome! I'm half way through it, i haven't read it in about a week or so though.
Anyway, moving on from my depressing love life. Back to my career. So i'm quickly draining my savings cause i haven't been making any money besides Etsy and child support, and with both of those I don't make shit. I even filed for a review of my child support case with Clarissa's dad cause he's only paying like $150 a month. I haven't heard anything back from that yet. I'm getting pretty close at getting a hospital administrator in Las Vegas an interview, on Thursday i even begged my cousin to help me cause this chick has a stellar resume, and there's two positions in Vegas she'd be perfect for. So i've been kinda stressing about money, so i put in my resume (and by the way, now that i read resumes for a living, i redid my own resume, and i must say, my resume looks really fucking good now lol) and some applications for a few jobs. Just so i can have some sort of income coming in. Einstein Bros Bagels emailed me back today for the baker position i sent my resume in for. I was kind of excited at first, then i started researching reviews of the jobs for Einstein Bros and a lot of people complain of the same things i complained about about Whole Foods. Uh oh. Working your ass off for peanuts, management are assholes, equipment sucks. And i'm not entirely sure if my position i applied for is straight up just baking, i think customer service may be involved. The hours look really cool, and people said they are very flexible with scheduling, the stores usually close at five in the afternoon, and bakers usually come in at three in the morning, so it would be almost like a night job again. I dunno, i go in for an interview on Monday. It's kind of far too, it's over by where my brother works which is a good thirty minute drive. We'll see i guess. Sigh.
I wish things were better, at the end of the year i was on such a high and now my emotions are getting the best of me i think. Mostly men problems. fuck men, seriously!! lol My friends are awesome, Lisa has a kinda sorta boyfriend now, but she caught him sexting some chick on FB and now she doesn't trust him, my friend Shroomy got engaged, Jenni as far as I know hates men too lol :)
I just REALLY need things to start coming together in my life, i really need these placements to start happening cause i really need to move out. i don't have my independence anymore and it's killing me. I even thought of doing an Eat Pray Love and living four months in Seattle, four months in Sedona and four months somewhere else, i couldn't decide where. Of coarse in the back of my mind I was thinking Livermoore, CA where Cory is, but when i posted it on FB he commented and said that that wasn't realistic with kids, but a great idea. Of coarse i agreed with him. Ugh. Shoot me.

end of the world post

So they say the world might end. So i might as well update my poor neglected blog. What can I say, if the world really does end it ended with me being happy.  That's saying a lot considering all the bullshit i was put through last year. I feel like if i lived through that i can live through anything. Through meeting and becoming friends with some amazing people over the past year, I made it through the darkest period of my life and came out the other side a better person. I still think of Justin from time to time, it still hurts that he betrayed me in such a horrible, awful way, and if i allow myself to really think about it, i still do cry and it still does hurt like hell. I can't say now that he was the love of my life, because if he really was he would of never done what he did. I don't think he ever did really love me, I have a hard time believing someone could love someone else and do something like that to them. Call it mental illness or whatever excuse you want to use, it wasn't love he had for me. He stayed with me that whole time so he could prey my child, there's no other reason.
Anyhow, enough of that. A person could drive themselves mad trying to come up with a logical reason for what he did to me and my daughter. Well, I'm not sure what i've written about on here but this year has been awesome! Met an awesome tattoo artist, that was a whole roller coaster of a relationship with me and that guy, but I still think he was a key person in my life this year to get me out of the hole i was stuck in! got 4 new tattoos out of it, and next year i just plan on letting him give me more :) I'm keeping him in my back pocket, a relationship i'm willing to wait out, i know it won't last long lol
Got back in touch with an old, old friend of mine! My old best friend from fucking Jr. High, my best bitch ever Jenni!!  We have become super close again, and i love her to death! My friends Lisa and Shroom are back in my life after years of them being out of it. Lisa and me hung out a lot during the summer and I got her into Puscifer and wine :) Dare i say she became my little mini me! My old friend Jason from Las Animas, i got to see again after YEARS of us being apart, got to meet his little girls, and we hung out for an entire day during the summer, it was awesome.
FINALLY made it out to Jerome, Arizona.  That without a doubt was the highlight of my year, and i loved every second of it. I think of it still today and i get teary eyed cause it meant SO much to me to go out there. My car failed emissions and i took it to the auto shop and they told me it was $3k to fix my car. I had the money, and my poor 'Stang is my only source of transportation, so i coughed up the money, and my car is running better than it's run in years. So right after during the week of my birthday, i took off in my car to Arizona and didn't look back! I was in Jerome on my 32nd birthday, i drank wine, i saw first hand what Maynard fell in love with, and I fell in love also.  I am planning on returning next year, if the world doesn't end of coarse ;)
Me and my brother made it out to Seattle, washington, a place i've been wanting to go since i was 12 years old! Fell in love with Seattle also, it was gorgeous. Pikes Place Market was incredible! We saw Roger Water's The Wall twice, once in Denver and second time in Seattle. Both times we tripped mushrooms, it was brillant! Recently we saw Alice Cooper and were mad drunk and came home and spur of the moment bought Roger Waters tickets for London next year in September! So if the world doesn't end I also have that to look forward to.
My kids are awesome, I love them to death and am the proudest mom ever for how strong both of them are. There was a good like maybe six month period where i didn't talk to justin's family. It was something i needed, i felt so suffocated with them wanting to see the girls all the time and asking me to fucking have "xmas" with them after the most traumatic event to ever happen to me being caused by their son, brother, cousin, nephew, what the fuck ever he was. It's still weird talking to some of them now, I feel like my life has gotten better and it seems for some of them their life is slowly getting worse. It's hard to watch.
And now we get to my career. Well my chef career at Whole Foods ended in flames, almost literally. I quit, I just couldn't take it anymore, it turned out to be just like Safeway was and in a lot of ways worse than Safeway. At least at Safeway i was getting paid $20 an hour where at WF, i was getting paid $11 an hour and getting bitched out by people i had no respect for what so ever. They fired my friends for fucked up reasons, there towards the end i would cry before i had to clock in. It was that bad.
So my beautiful, wonderful, favorite cousin of mine saw me bitching about being unemployed on Facebook (now mind you, i had only been unemployed for about a week, and not even technically unemployed cause i gave WF a bullshit story that i was in the hospital and had my friend jenni write me up a fake doctor's note, so i was getting paid sick pay) and he sent me a private message telling me he'd hire me as a job recruit for his medical staffing firm. Well, here i am about a month later and I ALMOST have my first job placement!! Ironically this chick is from seattle but is totally willing to move to Denver to get this Nurse Manager job, she's a fucking rock star and a shoe in for this job! They are going to do a phone interview first before she comes out here to be interviewed, but if this chick gets hired it's a cool $6k in my pocket!!! Seriously, the easiest money i've ever made in my life! I work from home, I don't have some bitch yelling at me over stupid shit anymore AND i got my friend who got fired from WF working underneath me as a job recruit and what ever placements he makes, I get a percentage of it!! I love my cousin Shane to death, he just out of the blue gave me a job that is a $40k annual income increase for me! I even started looking for apartments today so i can finally move the fuck out of my mother's basement!
So yeah, seriously if the world ends i will be pissed cause next year is just going to be awesome to!
Oh, one little sad thing did happen this year but it had a happy outcome. My mom had a cancerious cell growing in her breast, but they caught it in time and did surgery and removed it and did radiation therapy on her. Today was her birthday actually and we celebrated her birthday and...I just love my mother to death! I started selling Maynard related crafts i started creating and what do ya know, it took off!! It did better than i ever dreamed! Etsy saved my ass here the last month or so now that i don't have a steady income, people buying clocks and coasters and necklaces and light switch covers saved my ass, and allowed me to put fucking gas in my car lol! I love Etsy!! Thank you to my followers on Instagram who saw my crafts and encouraged me to sell them, without you I'd be even more of a broke ass hoe!! lol

I posted on FB tonight that i will have one regret if the world ends. That i didn't get to say thank you to Cory for being an awesome friend to me during all that shit i was going through with justin. I've developed quite the crush on Cory, we had phone sex. haha, twice. It was very spur of the moment and actually kinda nice. It made me feel awesome that someone is attracted to me :) But i do wish i could of thanked Cory in person, he was there for me when no one else was and that's something i will never forget. well i'm getting sleepy. Time to go to sleep and think about all the money i'll be making for myself and my girls next year :) hopefully this isn't really my last post. Night.

So i thought i'd give an update & document the weird shit i feel right now. Justin was sentenced on March 16 to 15 years in prison, 5 years parole and life time probabtion. I just went on the colorado DOC website & looked him up and saw his mug shot. After not having seen him in a year, seeing him in the orange jump suit made my heart fucking drop. The look on his face is defiantly weird, like nothing i've seen. He looks very humbled, like in a bad way. I couldn't stop looking at it, and all i could think was,"you fucking idiot!! You fucking asshole". I honestly can't bear the thought of him and what he is going to be going through in the next fifteen years, seven if he gets out early which is more than a possability. What hurt most of all seeing his picture i think is that he is my youngest daughters father. I feel so sorry for her that she won't get to grow up with her dad in her life. My second kid to grow up without a dad, it breaks my fucking heart.
On top of all this shit, now i'm kinda fighting with his family. The sister & i got into a text message argument, how it got started i dunno, but it ended with the sister telling her cousin to stay out of their lives and to stay away from her children! All i remember saying was i want to ask her parents questions about why they didn't do anything about my ex when he was a kid because the cousin accused him of molesting her when they were kids. And i get the excuse from the family that no one believed her because she was a bad kid when she was that age?! Seems kind of fucked up to me and to everyone else that i tell about this crazy shit. Anyway, so the sister got all up in arms when i said that and apparently didn't know the cousin had told me about all this shit.
Anyhow, so i let my feelings out that i don't feel like they want to hear what my daughter has to say about how she feels about what happened to her. Because when i asked if they were going to the sentencing, they said no because my daughter is going to have her letter read in court. That really offended me and really quite frankly pissed me off! So to make a long story short, Justin's mom agreed to read my daughter's letter so me and my friend decide it'll be a good idea to send her letter to their whole family, because myself and my daughter want all of them to read her letter. Well, my friend, who was also good friends with Justin for years, mailed her letters for me but decided to put in his little 2 cents along with my daughter's letter. So to be fair, i tell the mom about my friends letter & that if they don't want to read his letter to not read it. I have not heard a word from them since!
Justin's brother landed up texting me a few days ago asking if he could take my kids with him to see his grandma. My daughter didn't want to go, she's fucking pissed at all of them, and i don't blame her. So i told him just to take my younger daughter, and he did and he came and got her & brought her back later. I asked my daughter later if any of them asked about me, and she said no. Wow. So on top of everything i've already been through, i gotta deal with this shit.
Oh well, i'm trying so hard to move on. Wine has helped a lot :) My Maynard James Keenan obsession i once held many years back has resurfaced in the aftermath of all of this! :-D I have to keep some glimmer of hope alive that all men aren't pieces of shit. I've developed a crush on one of our cooks, only catch is, he's only working once in a while for Whole Foods now, so I'll see him like once every month. Which sucks cause i use to work with him all the time! It wasn't until he left & then came back after like a few months, and i saw him working in the seafood department, that i really noticed how hot he is! Go figure huh? He's so cute though, he saw me the other day and winked at me, i got all thrilled :-D It's been SO long, i forgot what it was like having a crush on someone! Well, i just saw Justin's picture and kind of freaked out & had to vent a little & also give an update on my situation. Keeping the faith and living day to day. Wish me luck...

Wow, guess i haven't written on here in a while eh?  Well, things are on the up and up so to say.  Justin is in jail, he's been in jail since Dec. 21st.  He's waiting to be sentenced on Feb. 24th.  The day he pleaded guilty was almost as heart wrenching as the day my daughter disclosed.  It was difficult for sure.  I didn't go to court, i haven't gone once, the one and only time was when i was suppose to testify and then landed up not even having to testify at all.  So i haven't even set foot into a court room.  Which i'm glad.  His family is definitely going through a lot.  the same week Justin went to jail their grandpa died. 
Things are surreal for sure but things are starting to become "normal" again, as fucked up as our new "normal" is.  I'm hopeful for mine and my girls future but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared.  I am for sure, the future is unknown.  Financially it definitely sucks and i'm still living with my folks.  My brother and me want to get a place together, but i'm hesitant to move in with my brother, but i'm also desperate enough to give it a go just to get out of my mother's basement! 
Things are getting better, my daughter still and probably will her whole life, has emotional problems.  She'll start crying all of a sudden and she won't know why.  We talked to her therapist about it, and she said she's probably just hormonal and asked if she had gotten her period yet.  Sure enough, like a month or so later she got her first period.  So i dunno!  Me and her have bonded a lot over this whole sexual abuse coming out, and she hangs out with me a lot more than she did before.  On Monday she leaves for outdoor lab.  I'm sad about it and excited for her, because i remember i had a lot of fun when i went to outdoor lab. 
Work is good, my boss told me the other day he's gonna have me do new stuff, so that's exciting!  I was starting to actually hate what they were having me do, and was starting to get pissed off.  I am not going to work for Whole Foods for very long though i've decided.  I'm gaining experience at this point, but i'm not going to stick around for a long time.  I hope at least, who knows with the way the economy is.  I've got to have the courage of my convictions and keep my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road :)
Not a day goes by that i don't think of Justin.  I can't help it, he was the love of my life up till now, i can't help but think about how he's doing.  I don't ask his family about him at all.  I can't, i don't want to know.  the less i know the easier it is for me to deal with. 
I've gotten into wine quite a lot!!!  I guess it started out as a way of me trying to cope with all this shit going on, but bottle after bottle i drank, i started to realize i really love the taste of a good wine!  Ha, so i have joined two different wine clubs and got my first shipment a couple weeks ago, and i love it!  It was actually my signed Maynard James Keenan 2006 Chupacabra that made me fall in love with drinking wine.  Then on my birthday i drank the 2005 bottle Justin had bought for me years and years ago, and that wine was just absolutely amazing!  So i ordered some Arizona Stronghold wines cause they were having free shipping promotion for like a month.  So i stocked up and drank them, and they were so delicious!
So yeah, i've not only have fallen in love with wine, i've fallen in love with Maynard James Keenan all over again.  His wine is so fucking delicious, it's his wine that's responsible for me developing a palate for good wine. 
Anyhow, i'm getting sleepy and i go back to work tomorrow, so i'm am off to bed!  Wish me luck in all my endeavours, i don't know when i'll get back on here and write again.  See ya.... 

I had what i like to call a "trigger moment" tonight.  We unpacked the Wii stuff to hook up to the t.v. and my youngest daughter was going through it, having good memories of playing the Wii with her dad, and they started playing and there was his avatar.  Of coarse my oldest daughter had a problem seeing it, and deleted it.  When she was going to delete it, my youngest one came up to me in kind of a panic saying her sister was deleting her dad.  I had to remind her that he's not gonna be around to play it with her and there was no reason to have him on the Wii anymore.  She settled down right away and went right back to having fun playing with her sister.  But for me it killed me to see her kind of panic seeing her dad disappear again.  Fuck, i'm so pissed at him!  Two children i have with no fathers.  anyway, so as soon as they went to bed i fucking lost it and cried my eyes out.  I've been doing really good lately with my emotions.  I only have my "trigger moments" when i get down.  Parts of the day that remind me of him or if someone brings it up.   I don't remember if i wrote about this before but i was suppose to go testify on the 28th for his preliminary hearing, but the detective couldn't make it so they rescheduled it for Sept. 9th now.  I'm REALLY not looking forward to it.
Since i last wrote in here though, i hooked back up with a good good friend of mine from high school.  I of coarse told her about what happened with Justin, and she knows Justin, so it was shocking for her.  She's been really sweet and very supportive.  The day i was suppose to go to court she sent me a text telling me she was thinking of me, but i had to tell her it had been cancelled. 
My brother and me went to A Perfect Circle the other day, that was really fun.  It rained again, second concert we've been to where it was outside and raining.  it actually wasn't too bad this time.  When we saw System Of A Down a couple months ago, it rained HARD the entire show.  That and i kept thinking of Justin cuz i was suppose to go to that concert with him, it really kind of ruined the entire show for me. 
I recently found out that two of Justin's cousins are saying their really pissed at him and don't want to have much to do with him, and that to his family he's not really denying any of what's come out.  Makes me wonder if he'll plead guilty at the court hearing.  Well, guess i'll find out in a month. 
Well, i'm tired, i'm gonna try to get some sleep.  Once i started crying like crazy i knew it was time to write in here again.  See ya later...

So when I first found out about Justin molesting my daughter, I immediately searched on line for message boards of women who have children who have been molested. I found a wonderful site right away and have been visiting it ever since. A few days ago I finally got up the courage to post my own story. I got some responses and am even "pen paling" a woman who's story is very similar to mine. She was married, had two girls, one from a previous relationship (the one who was molested) and a child she had w/ her husband. She said my story made her cry because our daughters who were not molested are the same age. Only this happened to her four years ago and her husband is in prison with a term of 130 years or some shit like that! So when her daughters father left out of her life she was only four years old. My daughters eight and her dad all of a sudden just disappeared. She says she hasn't told her daughter anything about why her dad isn't around, unlike me I have told my daughter a little why he's not around. It's so nice to finally be able to talk to another person this has happened to. Posting my story was the best thing yet. This woman and her kids live in Pennsylvania, she said her ex husband had molested his ex wife's daughter too, and she was called to testify during the trial. She said her daughter was on the witness stand for an hour and a half!! She said the whole thing was a nightmare cuz he denied all of it, and still does.
Anyway, I just wanted to post my good news about my new found friend who's gone through this nightmare too. I have to get ready for work. See ya...

So today i bought a desk for my desk top finally.   Before when i'd get on i had my keyboard & my monitor on top of my box of storable food.  It was kinda cheap, got it at Bed Bath and Beyond, but hey, it's SO much better than having to sit on the floor!  I feel like my life is slowly but surely starting to come together w/out Justin in my life.  I'm still very sad and heart broken over all of this, but i gotta keep my sanity together for my kids, they're looking to me for strength to get through this and i got to show that everything is gonna be ok.  I'm slowly working my way up till i can get my own place, i can't wait for the day when that happens.  Work is going good, still getting to get to know everyone. There's a lot of new people coming on, so i don't feel so alone.  There's about four new people who started in the last two weeks. I'm really bad with names.  There's this one girl who talks to me a lot, and i still don't know her name, but she is really sweet and super nice. She came in to where i was working and gave me a sample of macadamia nut gelato. She said she's gonna take me for a "gelato break" one of these days coming.  She's already asking when i work next, it's actually really nice making friends again, it's taking my mind off of the fucked up things Justin was doing to my daughter.
There's this one guy i work with who i get along with pretty well, we're about the same age and listen to the same music pretty much.  He had his ipod on and Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson came on, and i got so happy!  Then i had my ipod on one day and he's was all impressed.
The girl i talk to a lot and him apparently like each other and arranged to go on a date, but the guy never followed through with it, so the other day she was all asking me advice on what she should do.  It was funny, apparently she's only 19, which makes perfect sense to me now that i've gotten to know her, she really is kinda immature.  It's cute though, a little "office romance" i got the scoop on! :)
Anyhow, just wanted to post about my new computer desk, i'm real happy about it. My dad helped me and my daughters put it together.  I probably could of put it together myself, but he wanted to help, it was nice doing stuff with my dad and the girls.  
I'm slowly starting to get together everything i need for when i finally move out.  Some of the major stuff i think i've gotten out of the way, like the t.v., the couch.  I still need a table, some chairs.  It'll all come together, i'll really worry about that stuff later, right now i only have so much space to put stuff.  It's weird, i literally am rebuilding my whole life with 2 kids now, all by myself.  It sucks i'm not gonna lie!  Well, don't dwell on the negative, with every dark night there is a bright day right?  Well it's almost 2 in the morning and i should go to bed.  Gotta work the next 3 days, then i got the next 3 days off.  They had me working full time, then cut my hours this week.  Oh well, what are you gonna do?  See ya....